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Want a bit more detail? Read the Summary. You can also look at Examples of the method in action, and my own Personal Experience with it.

The author Alan Kazdin’s method, backed by years of research in childhood development, is to use positive reinforcement to connect a desired behavior to a reward. The positive reinforcement in the method are point/sticker/reward charts and praise. Positive reinforcement is the strongest and most long-lasting way to change behavior, and avoids the negative side effects of punishment.

The Method: How-To

• Identify the “positive opposite:” the desired behavior you want to replace the problem behavior. For example, “Use kind words and actions when you play with your sister,” rather than, “stop teasing her.”

• Tell your kid about an exciting program to earn rewards. Be clear about the behavior.

• Do a practice session and let your kid earn points for it.

• Make a chart that keeps track of the points and put it somewhere highly visible.

• Pick rewards and give them a “price” (1 point, 3 points, etc.). Inexpensive physical items (crayons, figurine) or nonphysical things like extra story, movie night, etc.

• Mark the points and give rewards immediately after your kid does the behavior.

• Praise is more important than points. It should be enthusiastic, specifically point out what your kid did well, and can include a physical gesture like a hug.

• When you’ve seen continued progress, you can end the program by increasing the length of time between the behavior and reward. Eventually, you can get rid of the chart altogether (but not the praise).

Tips

• Give instructions, not questions.

• Stay clam and kind in voice and action.

• Consistency is important; keep all caregivers/parents on the same page (there are tips for doing the method with caregivers in the Summary).

• Provide lots of opportunities to practice the behavior.

• Ignore minor misbehavior so your kid doesn’t get attention for it.

• Have realistic expectations and be flexible.

• You can break behavior down into steps and reward those steps.

• If your kid doesn’t do the behavior, remind her only once of the instruction. If she still doesn’t comply, say something like, “I guess you’ll have to earn the points another time” and walk away.  

• You can have multiple kids (siblings, classmates) earn rewards together.

 *There are tips specific to kids of different age groups in the Summary.

Punishment

• Use sparingly and don’t escalate. Stay calm.

• Time outs only need to be one minute.

• Punishment must come right after the behavior.

• Punishment should include making amends, which reinforces positive behavior.

Conclusion

Stressed parents are more likely to be harsh and focused on bad behavior, and less likely to praise. Creating good routines and taking care of yourself are two important ways to lessen household chaos. Aim to stay positive, affectionate, present and be a good listener.

The book gives specific point values for rewards, and goes into much greater details about pricing rewards. There is a section at the very end that gives many examples of possible rewards for different age categories. There are many examples in the book of various problematic behaviors across all ages, and the plans to tackle them. These examples include lots of sample language. There is also a section with parents’ common questions.

You can buy the book on Amazon or Bookshop.org.