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If you don’t have much time, you can check out the Quick Look. To see some examples and sample language of the strategies in the summary, check out the Examples section. Also read about my Personal Experience using these ideas.

This book looks at strategies for parenting spirited kids. A spirited child is more sensitive; they feel things deeply. They react intensely. They have a harder time with flexibility and can have a one-track mind. They are easily distracted. Spirited kids don’t share all the descriptions above, but likely one or two of them.

Research shows 15-20 percent of kids may be spirited. Temperament is behind what makes a kid spirited, and its something kids are born with. However, parents can shape how that temperament is expressed.

The book has a scale where you can measure 9 different aspects of temperament to determine if your child is spirited, and which attributes he expresses more strongly (sensitivity, intensity, etc.). You can do this for yourself, as well.

Rather than trying to change your child, work to develop her natural strengths and manage the parts she struggles with.

 Main Ideas for Parents

• Spirited kids have been called difficult, stubborn, and other negative terms. The author coined the term “spirited” to be more positive and focus on the strengths of such kids, like their creativity and energy.

• Try framing the negative terms you’ve used or thought in terms of the positive. So “stubborn” may become “determined.” Use these positive terms both when talking to your kid, and in your inner monologue. This helps parents feel calmer toward their kid, and helps kids feel good about who they are.

• Give your kid the language to understand what her temperament is like, what bothers her, and what helps her. For instance, a parent may say things like, “You like to be prepared for what is coming. It helps you when we talk about what we’re going to do this weekend on Friday.”

• Talk about feelings. Use books to talk about character’s feelings. Talk about your own feelings. Spirited kids need to learn what they are feeling before they can address it.

• Point out the benefits of your kid’s temperament to them (passion, analytical skills, energy, attention to detail, caution in new situations, etc.)

• Figure out if your kid is an introvert (gets energy from alone time) or extrovert (gets energy from others). Teach your kid about what fuels them, and how to ask for what they need (“I need some time by myself.”)

• Parents should self-regulate their own emotions and react calmly to de-escalate, pave the way to problem solving, and model good reactions to their kids.

• Remember that your child likely is acting negatively because he feels bad inside, and you can recognize the reason and help your kid work through it.

• For example, if your child starts yelling and crying in a store because she can’t have a new toy, rather than thinking, “she’s so spoiled,” you could think, “she is jealous that it’s her sister’s birthday and not hers. She’s having a hard time.”

• Look for signs that your kid is going to meltdown (complaining, distracted, etc.). Point them out to your kid so they learn when they need to walk away or take a break.

Parenting Strategies

Tantrums (see Examples for a step by step example)

• Kids need to calm down first. Go close to your kid, let them know you understand they are upset, and ask “how can I help?”

• The moment for teaching comes after everyone is calm.

• Find out what was wrong (if they don’t tell you, make gentle guesses to dig deeper).

• State the family value/rule that was broken.

• Let your child know what else she could have said or done.

• Set up the scene (if possible, if not just do it wherever) and run through what happened, but this time with your kid practicing the better reaction.

• Have kids take responsibility for their actions; apologies, cleaning up messes, etc.

• Hold kids who are hurting people or property and say, “I can’t let you hurt your sister/kick the walls/etc.”

• Calmly insist your kid use respectful words to express themselves. If they don’t, wait. Don’t give your child what they want, do another activity, or anything until they use kinder words.

• Praise your kid when they get upset but avoid a total meltdown.

Problem Solving (see Examples)

• Problem solving teaches kids to consider others’ wants, encourages creative thinking, and promotes cooperation.

• Ask your kid what is behind their request, and actively listen.

• Stay calm and neutral, and make observations to help them open up.

• Some kids just want to tell you the details without their feelings. That’s fine, but make sure you go back and discuss their emotions so they can identify and understand them.

• Tell your kid what is important to you and why. Communicate your family values.

• Come up with solutions, together with your kid. They can be unrealistic, funny, etc.

• Choose one of the solutions you can agree upon.

• For kids too young to talk, create kid friendly spaces where they can explore and play (so you are saying “no” less often).

• Problem solving isn’t spoiling. It is respectful to both parties when you both get what you want.

Rules/Setting Limits

• Have a plan about your family’s rules and firmly (but kindly) enforce them.

• Communicate the rules and consequences for not following them. Do this when everyone is calm. Be specific in your expectations. Have kids ask questions to ensure they understand.

• Be consistent in following through on enforcing rules.

• Pick consequences that you feel comfortable carrying out. If you state a consequence and don’t follow through, kids learn that you don’t mean what you say.

• You may need to wait for your kid to follow through on her responsibility. Don’t allow any fun activities (playing together, screens, etc.) until she has done the task.

• When your kid is breaking a rule, use calm and clear language to tell him that he has a choice, and what will happen if he chooses to break the rule. This allows him to decide to do the right thing.

• Counting down is fine for little kids, but use a timer for older kids.

• If you are unsure about a limit/rule, ask yourself if it benefits all parties.

• If you spend all day demanding compliance, you may have too many rules.

• You should have limits and boundaries, but also create an environment where kids feel like you hear and consider their feelings.

Getting Kids to Listen

• Use a friendly tone and gentle physical touch.

• Go to your child, on their level, with eye contact. If they don’t look at you, sit and wait until they are ready. Don’t engage with them on anything until they are ready to listen.

• Be creative: sing requests, make signs.

• Be clear and compact; no lecturing and no questions.

• Use positive language about what should be done.

• Model the behavior to your kids- be ready for the task when you tell your kids to be.

• Don’t offer lots of choices.

• Divide big requests into manageable steps.

• Teach kids to get your attention respectfully.

Transitions

• Routines are extra important for spirited kids who are slow to transition.

• Charts/pictures of the routine may help.

• Try to plan the day so that you lessen transitions (for example, doing errands all at once).

• Don’t overschedule.

• Give yourself enough time; get up early or start bedtime earlier.

• Prepare kids with reminders (“five minutes until we go…”) or use a timer.

• Praise any steps toward flexibility or small steps of progress.

Other Problematic Areas

• Intense kids need multiple times during the day to relax. Some calming ideas: water play, sensory tables, movement, and reading.

• Sensitive kids react to loud sounds, strong smells, lights, the feel of clothing, etc. Look for what bothers your kid and make sure she knows, too. Avoid triggering situations or plan for them.

• Screens can wind up spirited kids, so be mindful about them.

• For kids whose bodies’ have odd eating/sleeping patterns, routines are extra important. It takes time to adjust, but try to have routines in place 24/7.

• For very energetic kids, plan lots of movement during the day. Use gentle touch to get their attention. This trait can be exhausting, so plan breaks and self care.

• For kids who reject new things, begin by acknowledging and identifying the emotion behind the refusal. Let them know they aren’t alone. Use a past example to boost your kid’s confidence, and point out when he successfully does part of the goal. It may take time and kids may need multiple tries before they say yes.

• For kids who seem serious or in a bad mood, remind them of the positive things in their life. Teach these kids to be polite. They probably aren’t sad all the time, just focused on facts or pointing out the negative perspective.

Strategies for Optimizing the Day

• Think about what regularly trips of your kid, and work toward a solution.

• Anticipate difficulties based on your kid’s triggers.

• Change the environment. If you can help it, don’t bring a kid into a situation where he can’t cope.

• Bring items to help in different situations- paper and crayons, books, etc.

• Go out during times of day when your kid is at her best. Leave at the first sign of meltdown.

• Praise what your kid does successfully, or partially successfully, throughout the day.

Bedtime

• Sleep is important. Needing to wake kids in the morning is a sign they need more sleep.

• Stick to a consistent schedule; same wake up, mealtimes and bedtime.

• Start the bedtime routine with plenty of time before you want your kid asleep.

• Learn your kid’s signs for when they are tired, and don’t miss the chance to act on them.

• Some spirited kids need physical touch to fall asleep. It’s not spoiling them.

• If you want to co-sleep, make sure you do it safely.

• For persistent kids, books before bed may not work because they don’t want to stop.

• You may want to not do bath time before bed either since it can be a tricky transition.

• Be mindful of what sensitive kids need: maybe blackout curtains, comfy sheets, etc.

• Spirited kids need time to adjust to new sleep routines. Be patient.

• Parents should get 8.25 hours of sleep each night.

Meals

• Parents’ job is to ensure healthy food is available to their kids. They are not responsible for if this food is consumed, and how much.

• To discourage junk food consumption, don’t buy it.

• Make snacks nutritionally balanced (fruits, veggies, carb, protein, fats) and not too big.

• Have a family meal as often as possible.

• Think about your food values and the messages you send to your kids.

• Teach table manners. Make rules about mealtime expectations.

• Have kids help prepare foods, set the table, etc.

• Don’t use food as a punishment or have kids earn certain foods.

• Teach kids to communicate when they are hungry or full.

• It’s normal for toddlers to skip meals, and even for kids’ appetite to fluctuate.

• Include at least one option your kid will eat.

• Kids need to try food multiple times before they decide if they like it or not.

Getting ready

• Eliminate distractions like TV or toys left out.

• Be realistic about expectations. (Some kids may only want to wear sweatpants, etc.)

• Don’t offer too many choices. Use humor when getting dressed.

• Buy clothes that you and your kid agree upon. Compromise and take your time.

• Use layers or pack coats for kids who run hot.

• Lay out clothes the night before.

• Give kids a heads up when clothes will change for the season.

Playing with Others

• To ease into socializing, try having your child interact with younger kids for short periods of time.

• Teach your kid to listen to others and give others’ space.

• If your kid hits, stay calm. Firmly tell you can’t let them hurt another kid, then use the strategy listed under tantrums (calm down, practice situation correctly, etc.)

• Teach kids to problem solve with friends, react to teasing, and gracefully win/lose games.

• Have young kids play with toys that don’t require taking turns. Older kids can store special toys before a playdate.

Special Occasions

• Check your expectations. You don’t have to do every tradition/get together/event.

• Check kids’ expectations. Find out what they really want to do.

• Talk to relatives about your kid’s behaviors and reactions, and share strategies.

• Teach kids how to kindly greet others, and how to show gratitude when receiving gifts.

• Prepare kids for trips by showing pictures or discussing agendas.

• Keep bedtime consistent.

• Expect kids to feel crummy after a holiday/vacation.

School

• Look for an inviting, organized classroom with a variety of teaching methods.

• If you decide to inform your teacher about your child’s spiritedness, use positive terms.

• If you run into issues at school, talk face to face with the teacher. Be kind and understanding, and ask questions. Share any helpful feedback or past successes you’ve learned.

• Tour the school to prepare your kid.

• Many spirited kids are grouchy and tired after “keeping it together” at school. Make a plan for what would help your kid relax after school.

• Do homework in a non-distracting environment. Split the assignment into shorter tasks with breaks. Start with the easiest task to boost confidence.

Conclusion

Remember to cherish your child for how special she is and appreciate all the positive things about her. Spirited kids may require more work, but they are worth it.

There is a lot of sample language in the book of what to say to your child. There are even sample statements based on what type of spirited child you have- intense, sensitive, persistent, etc. There are examples in each chapter that help clarify the ideas. I recommend reviewing the whole book if you want to know more about how to practically apply these ideas to your life. You can buy it on Amazon or Bookshop.org.