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The following are some examples of how I’ve applied the strategies and advice in Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka to my own parenting. If you haven’t already, I recommend looking at the Summary or Quick Look to get an understanding of the strategies I mention. There are also  Examples that I’ve written to show sample language and situations.      

Intro/Tips for Parents

One of the biggest ideas in this book is learning to see the positives in the “spirited” kid’s temperament, and using language to express those positives to both yourself and your kids. I’ve found this to be very helpful, especially in my internal monologue. It’s easy to think to myself, “Ugh, they are being so difficult! They freak out every time things don’t go as planned.” As you can imagine, seeing my kid and their behavior in such a negative light raises my anger level, and causes me to respond in a harsher way. However, if I think, “They were expecting to go to the park, and now that isn’t going to happen. They must be feeling really upset, and they are taking their anger out on me.” It still doesn’t feel good to be yelled at by my kid, but I have more empathy in the latter example, which helps me stay calm and remember the strategies to deal with meltdowns, or even just rude behavior.

I could do a better job at reminding my kids of the positive sides of their “spirited” temperaments.

We talk a LOT about feelings in our house. That way, like the author says, our kids have the language to express themselves.

Like many books point out, another helpful way to talk about emotions and responses to big feelings is to discuss characters’ feelings and actions in books. In addition, I like to do this in imaginary play. So when my kid and I are playing figurines, or pretending to be Jack and Annie from the Magic Treehouse, I may make a character feel jealous of another one. It’s so interesting and cool to watch my kid process through the situation as a character. And from a young age, I’ve observed them “act out” situations with their toys that were similar to things that had happened, like a figurine not being able to go to the library because it’s raining out and getting upset. Kids truly learn a ton through play, so use that.

 Rules and Setting Limits

We use a lot of the “choice” language: “You can choose to come to dinner now. If you choose to keep reading, I’ll have to take the book and put it away until dinner is over. It’s up to you.” It’s a good way to communicate consequences without threatening. And it does put the ball in your kid’s court; it highlights the fact that behavior IS a choice and whatever happens next is up to your kid.

I have struggled with following through on enforcing rules and meting out consequences. Especially when I had a toddler and preschooler and meltdowns were intense and frequent, in the heat of the moment I would sometimes throw out a big consequence (“no screens for a week!”), but then not follow through when I realized how absurd or uncalled for it was. My kids definitely learned from this, and for awhile assumed I didn’t mean what I said. Honestly, this is probably one of the hardest parts of parenting for me: consistency and following through. I won’t judge any parent who struggles with this because we are human and it’s hard to be even 90% consistent. I will just say, be aware that kids- especially some spirited kids- will remember the times you didn’t follow through, and it will make it harder for you the next time.

With a little breathing space (i.e. my kids in school), and a LOT of practice, I have become better at this. Most consequences are natural consequences, like the example with the book at dinner time. And I work to stay calm, which helps me remember how best to respond to poor behavior or meltdowns. But it’s taken a long time!

Transitions

We have used multiple visual charts/lists to remind the kids about routines. Routines are VERY important for my kids, especially one of them. Right now, both kids have a paper hung up by their bed that lists what they need to do in the morning on school days. After several days of arguments over practicing his instruments and doing homework, my son and I made a schedule together that spans from after school to bedtime. I told him what his obligations were (activities, homework, instrument practice) and he decided when he wanted to do them, and when he’d do screen time, play time, etc. He hung the schedule up on the back of his door, and so far there have been much less arguing after school.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve given my kids reminders for many transitions, such as: leaving the park/library/friend’s house, leaving our home to go somewhere, stopping play to get ready for bed/eat dinner, stopping video time, etc. When they were very little, I used to sing the jingle from Daniel Tiger: “It’s almost time to stop, so pick one more thing to do.” The second part, sung after the one more thing is done, is, “that was fun but now it’s done.” Though I don’t sing it anymore, I still use the phrase, “pick one more thing to do,” when we are leaving somewhere, or need to wrap up play. Now that I have two bookworms, I’ll also say, “come to the end of a paragraph/page, and then you need to stop reading.”

(Side Note: Daniel Tiger has so many great jingles! I used a lot of them in the preschool days, and I’d at times hear other parents saying or singing the same phrases. Highly recommend checking out the Daniel Tiger books and/or show.)

With regards to reminders, I will admit that while I give them, I don’t always follow through. There have been multiple times when I say, “we are leaving the park in 5 minutes,” and then I get in a conversation with another parent, and we don’t leave for another 10 minutes. That’s life, and I can’t be perfect. But I do want to make note that my kids probably take some of my reminders less seriously if I don’t consistently follow through.

Other Problematic Areas:

Intensity

Water: Using water to calm down. My kids enjoy playing in the bathroom sink. They fill up the sink, take containers and toys, and play for a bit, either solo or together. When my son was little, I sometimes had him wash the dishes with me. It was more work than if I did it myself, and messier, but it was worth his pride in helping with a chore, and his enjoyment of being in the water. Water tables were great in the summer, too.

Cuddling/physical touch: We also play “spa,” where we give each other hand/arm/leg/feet massages, using a little bit of lotion that has lavender or another pleasant scent. The kids think using the lotion is cool, and enjoy both getting and giving the massages.

My daughter often asks for a “letter back rub” when she’s tired or down. Sometimes I’ll have her guess the letters I draw on her back, and other times she asks me to tell her. I write words, and sometimes sentences.

Movement: We use music to defuse tension sometimes. Both kids love dancing, and they often do so dramatically. Running laps around the house or kicking a ball around are other physical ways my kids blow off steam.

Humor: Using humor to diffuse tough situations is very hard, but it truly works well. If I can keep myself in a light mood, and try to remember to stay calm and positive, I can sometimes make a joke or be silly when my son is arguing/complaining/whining. He’ll often give up, and sometimes even crack a smile. My husband is really good at this too, when he’s in the right mood. We sometimes use silly voices. This sounds weird, but sometimes I’ll sing what I want to say instead of saying it, because singing loudly diffuses my anger and I’m not yelling. And it sounds/feels silly so it makes me and the kids laugh.

Calming baskets: When my son was around 4, I made calming baskets as suggested by the book. I can’t remember exactly what was in there, but I think something like paper and crayons, a stuffy, and a stress ball you could squeeze. I wish I could say my son used these baskets, but he did not. It is a lovely idea, I just couldn’t get him to actually step away and use them when he was getting frustrated/upset.

 Kids with Serious/Negative Moods

The author mentions focusing on the positive in these kids’ lives. So at the table, I often ask, “what was your favorite part of the day?” When my kid is struggling, I try to frame the situation in terms of the positives and the negative they are stuck on. So if they are disappointed that they can’t have a playdate, after empathizing with them (“you really want to play with a  friend, and it’s a bummer that it won’t work out today”), I may reframe the situation by saying, “you and I could play a board game,” or, “we can set up a playdate for this weekend.”

I also came up with a way of naming positives and seeing how they tend to overshadow the negative. I ask my kids to put up both their hands. On one hand, we name the positives, putting up a finger for each one. So maybe they are mad because I asked them to wear a jacket and they doesn’t want to. So they are pouting on the way to school. I would have them tell me what was good about the morning, and count it on their fingers. They grumble, but almost always oblige. If not, I start it for them. “Being able to walk to school, being with my sibling and mom, the yummy breakfast I had, having gym class today,” etc. Then we put up the other hand and list the negatives: “Having to wear a jacket when I don’t want to.” They may think of another negative, but usually by then they get the point and (often times begrudgingly) stop complaining.

High Energy

It’s important for my kids to get sufficient physical activity every day. When they’re in school, there is recess, walking to/from school, playing at the park after school, and weekly sport practices/games. However, during the pandemic, I needed to come up with daily exercise. We went to the park a lot, took walks, and played outside (we don’t have a playset, so the kids made lots of “stews” out of leaves and dirt, drew with chalk, chased bubbles, and played 4 square and catch). For indoor activities, we bought a “Jumparoo” for the kids to bounce on, danced, did fun YouTube exercise videos (not my favorite because they involve a screen, but during the pandemic winters it was a fun treat), made obstacles courses out of sofa cushions (again, desperate times…), and even used a kids’ watch that tracked the speed of running laps around the house.

Rejecting New Things

Both my kids have rejected new activities on multiple occasions. Like the book mentions, we do bring up past successes. For instance, it took a LOT of persuading to get my daughter to try out riding in a bike trailer we attached to my husband’s bike. Once she tried it, she loved it. So we remind her of this when we are encouraging her to try other new things. We also praise them for trying new things, like when she started tennis this winter for the first time.

And sometimes things do just take time. We started swim classes when my son was around 4, and it just didn’t go well. He didn’t want the water on his face. We tried wearing goggles in the shower and practicing putting his head under the shower water, but even that was a struggle. We tried again when he was 5 and it was still a struggle. We didn’t want to force him into swimming, for fear that he’d develop a bad association. The next summer, he was reluctant but after a little work (I talk about it in the Kazdin Method Personal Experience), he participated in the classes and finally learned to swim, head in water and all.

Right now, we are working through this with my daughter and biking. It’s a balance, and a parent you do have to be flexible.

Meals

I like the author’s statement that a parent’s job is to ensure healthy food is available to their kids, NOT to make them eat a certain amount of it. I try to remember this, and do make healthy food available, though sometimes I do fall into the predictable, “could you just have a couple more bites of your veggies?” I don’t make them clean their plates, but if I ask, “are you still hungry?” and they say, “yes, can I have some crackers?” I will probably ask them to eat a bit more of the meal before having crackers. Or give them a couple crackers, and say that if they are still hungry, they can eat more of their meal.

I do make sure I have one option they’ll eat, even if that’s plain rice or beans. They do need to at least try the other components of the meal.

Sometimes I make snacks balanced, and sometimes they are carb-based. I try to look at the whole day, not just that particular snack, and if it feels like my kids have had a lot of bread/crackers, then snack will be fruit with nut butter. Just like the author says, I make some snacks sweets/treats so that certain foods aren’t considered “forbidden.” I do keep snacks fairly small so that they stay hungry for meals.

Getting ready

I have definitely let go of what my kids wear! It never really bothered me much, to be honest. But my kids put away their own clothes, so they basically wear the same 5 shirts/pants that are on the top of the pile (and then get put back on the top of the pile). They don’t like jeans, so they don’t wear jeans.

My son and I used to fight constantly about wearing a jacket. I’ve finally let that go, too. If it’s cold, he must leave the house with a jacket, but if it’s a lighter jacket than I want, I let it go. And if he unzips it, I let it go. I just make sure he has the jacket, hat/gloves if necessary, and a backup sweatshirt in his backpack so that if he does decide he’s cold, he has layers he can put on.

Special Occasions

I like the point the author makes about checking expectations, both kids and parents. My husband and I have had times when our expectations of what our kids could handle or do- both on vacations and everyday life- were too high, and then we ended up frustrated or disappointed.

And our kids do the same thing. For instance, I once noticed a pattern of my son being irritable on Saturdays. I thought this was odd, since weekends are usually enjoyable. I talked to my son about it, but he couldn’t or didn’t want to express himself, so it took a little time to figure out what was going on. One Saturday, when I asked him about being so angry, he went off about not being able to play with my husband, and that Saturdays were the “only time” they could play together (not true, but certainly the weekends are the time he has the most downtime). I was confused, since they had just played a board game that morning. It then occurred to me that perhaps my son’s and my husband’s definitions of quality time together weren’t matching up. Specifically, when my son said he wanted to “play with Daddy,” that meant all day long. So, all 3 of us sat down together and talked about expectations. My husband talked about there are things he likes to do on the weekend by himself, like writing and reading. When we talked plainly with my son about this, and asked him to suggest a minimum amount of time he would spend 1:1 with his dad on Saturdays, his first reaction was a very reasonable one hour. It’s almost as if he didn’t realize he had these unrealistic expectations until he said it out loud.   

I agree with the author that it’s a good idea to maintain some continuity of schedule during holidays and trips. But of course there has to be a balance. On special occasions, it’s likely that kids will stay up later and eat more junk and perhaps use more screens. But it is a good idea to try and squeeze in some healthy food too, to soak up the sugar. Or to allow one night with a later bedtime, but try to maintain a normal bedtime for the other days. This helps with the “holiday/vacation hangover.”

One funny example of this: one Christmas we stayed with family. My preschooler- who wasn’t used to eating a lot of sweets- ate cookies and candies, and then was too full to eat any non-junk food. He was in a state of overexcitement, too: the gifts, running around with cousins, lots of noise. Well, the next morning, as soon as he woke up, he puked. We watched him like a hawk on the car ride home, bag at the ready in case he had a stomach bug. Turns out he wasn’t sick, just very overstimulated. So yeah, be flexible, but also aware that the sugar and activity and lack of sleep add up.

There is a lot of sample language in the book of what to say to your child. There are even sample statements based on what type of spirited child you have- intense, sensitive, persistent, etc. There are examples in each chapter that help clarify the ideas. I recommend reviewing the whole book if you want to know more about how to practically apply these ideas to your life. You can buy it on Amazon or Bookshop.org.