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Here are examples of sample language that show what it looks like to use the strategies in Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. If you haven’t yet, I strongly recommend reading the Summary along with the examples, or at least the Quick Look. If you want to hear about my own personal examples, read the Personal Experience section.

Introduction

Ditch the negative labels and shift to emphasizing the positives in your kid’s temperament. Examples:

• Negative/Serious—Analytical, thoughtful, good at assessing.

• Reluctant to Try New Things—Caution can help avoid dangerous or impulsive decisions.

• Too Much Energy—Ability to do lots of fun activities.

• Inflexible—Likes routines and plans.

• Stubborn—Determined, Persistent, Goal-focused.

• One-Track Mind—Works hard to achieve her goals even if it takes a while. Confident in what she wants to do and doesn’t get distracted.

• Intense—Passionate, Enthusiastic, Energetic.

• Too Sensitive—Feels things deeply. Observant, Empathetic.

Just as you reframed your child’s qualities into positive terms (for example, from stubborn to determined), reframe your negative thoughts during your child’s difficult behavior. For example, if your child starts yelling and crying in a store because she can’t have a new toy, rather than thinking, “she’s so spoiled,” you could think, “she is jealous that it’s her sister’s birthday and not hers. She’s having a hard time.”

Parents Should…

Give kids the language to communicate how they are feeling:

• “I’m really frustrated!”

• “I’m sad that we have to leave the park.”

• “I’m nervous to play my first softball game.”

• Knowing about different feelings can be a reassurance to kids when they are experiencing big emotions, and can help them link their feeling to a helpful reaction (for instance, “I’m mad! I should take a deep breath.”)

Teach your kids to notice what sets them off by talking about it:

• “There are a lot of people at the grocery store today. I know it makes you feel badly when you are in a crowd.”

• “We have to go right from music class to the grocery store today. It can be difficult for you to do two errands in a row, so let’s plan on taking a quick reading break in the car in between.”

• “We came to the library for story hour, and it was cancelled for today. That’s tough, and sometimes you get frustrated when things don’t go as planned. Should we go home, or stay and read together?”

Tantrum: Example

When your kid is melting down, let them know you understand they are upset and you are there to help. For example, if your child yells “I hate soup!!” and runs from the table when they aren’t happy about what’s being served, you can say, “You seem mad that we’re having soup tonight. How can I help?”

For some kids, offering a hug or physical touch is helpful. For other kids, allowing them to take some space is better. You can suggest that your kid get up and run, or do jumping jacks or other activity.

Once everyone is calmed and the situation is over (in our example, after dinner), you need to talk with your child about what happened. This is the moment for teaching.

First, figure out what was bothering your kid. If they don’t tell you, you may be able to guess what is wrong based on what you know about your kid. So you might say, “Is it because you don’t like the way soup can spill down your chin or onto the table?” or, “Is it because you don’t like how hot soup can be?” Don’t assume you know, so say things like “maybe” or “it might be.”

Then, state the family value or rule that your child broke. You may say, “We are respectful and use kind voices, even when we are upset” (since running away and yelling does not comply with those values).

Let your child know what else she could have said or done. “Next time, if you are upset about the soup you could say, ‘I don’t like eating soup because it burns my tongue.’” Or you could say, “if you are feeling really disappointed when you see what’s for dinner, you could take a minute to lie down and hug a stuffy to your chest before coming to talk to me.”

Last, set up the scene (if possible, if not just do it wherever you can) and run through what happened, but this time with your kid practicing a better reaction. So sit back down at the table and tell your child, “Ok, you see there is soup on the table. What can you do?” They should say, “Mom, I don’t like soup. It’s too hot.” Or maybe they’ll take some deep breaths first. Praise them for their improved response to the situation.

Part of this practice also includes responsibility for their actions. If they spilled soup on the table, they need to clean it up.

Other Notes:

• If your kid is physically hurting a person or property, you will need to hold them. Try to stay calm and say something like, “I can’t let you hit your sister.”

• If your child is using mean words, acknowledge the anger and ask them to express themselves using kinder words: “I can tell you are angry. I’ll wait until you can talk to me in a kinder tone.” If they don’t, calmly wait. Don’t give your child what they want if they are still yelling at you.

• Point out the times your child starts to get upset but doesn’t have a full blown meltdown, and praise her for it. For example, “I could tell you were getting very mad that your sister took that toy from you, but you remembered that she’s younger and doesn’t understand our rules as well as you do. You came and talked to me rather than grabbing it back, which was very helpful and mature.”

Problem Solving: Example

First, start by asking your kid what’s behind their request, and make sure to actively listen to their responses. For instance, if your kid is refusing to help clean up, think about why he may be refusing and ask related questions. Such as, “do you feel like most of this mess is your sister’s and not yours?” or “is it overwhelming to see such a giant mess, and you don’t know where to start?”

Keep it calm and neutral. If your child doesn’t answer, you could make observations to help them open up. “You are telling me everything is OK, but your body looks very tense and you just threw a toy.”

Some kids don’t like talking about their emotions in the heat of the moment. These kids likely would rather just go over the details of what happened. As the parent, you can allow them to tell you the details of the situation, but make sure to go back once everyone is relaxed and revisit your kid’s emotions in that moment and how she could have responded differently (just as you would do after a tantrum). It’s important for them to identify and understand their emotions. 

Once you get behind what’s bothering your kid, you can tell them what is important to you in the situation, and why. In our example, you may say, “In our house, we clean up each day so it’s easier to move around and find the toys we want to use tomorrow.” This can also be a time to communicate family values you have: “Throwing our toys and yelling are disrespectful. When we get upset, we can use strategies to calm down until we are ready to say what’s wrong.”

Now, you can come up with solutions to the problem. Ask your kid, and together come up with multiple solutions. Anything goes; they can be funny or unrealistic. Some ideas could be “put music on while we clean up, each kid only cleans up what he plays with, buy a robot that cleans up for us, buy self-cleaning toys, have Mom clean up everything,” etc. This should provide you with at least one solution you can both agree upon. In this case, the parent and child agree to put on fun music while they all clean together.

Rules/Limits: Example

If your kid is breaking a rule, you should use clear, calm words to remind him what to do and what will happen if he doesn’t. Do not yell or threaten. When you remind your child of the expectation and consequence, it puts the ball in his court. He can decide whether or not to break the rule. And if he does break the rule and gets a toy taken away or some other consequence, he may be mad at you, but he will learn that he is making a choice.

For example, “It’s time to take a shower. You can choose to get in the shower now and we’ll have time for a back rub before bed. If you choose not to take a shower, you’ll miss your back rub. It’s your choice.”

Or, “It’s time to turn off videos. You can choose to turn off the video game now and come upstairs. If you choose to keep playing, you’ll lose your video time tomorrow. It’s up to you.” (In this example, the parent pauses the game before talking to ensure the child is listening).

“You have the choice of staying in your seat, or getting up again. If you decide to get up again, you have to leave the table for 30 seconds, and then come back and try again.” Bonus: Once the child decides to stay at the table (whether she has had to leave first, or multiple times, before she gets to that decision), you can problem solve about what to do when she wants to show you dance moves in the middle of dinner. Can she put on a show after dinner? Can she get permission to show 3 dance moves, and then return to her seat for the remainder of the meal?

Other Notes:

• For little kids, it’s okay to state what needs to be done, and then count to 3 or 5 as the child decides to do it or not: “It’s your brother’s turn with that toy. Please give it to him or I will have to take it from you. I will count to 5….”.

• For older kids, don’t do this. Instead, set a timer, or use the clock: “you have until 4:30 to start practicing piano. If you don’t start practicing piano by then, I’ll know you are deciding to have less time for video games.”

Listening:

• Keep requests clear and compact; no lecturing. Make statements (“It’s dinner time,” “brush your teeth”), not questions (“Are you ready for dinner?” “Can you please brush your teeth?”)

• Use positive language about what should be done, not what shouldn’t be done (Instead of “Don’t slouch at the table,” say “We sit with our backs straight at the table.”)

Transitions:

• Teach your kids to express themselves when they are upset about a transition. Practice by asking “what if” questions, like “what if you try what’s for dinner and you don’t like it?” or “what if your friend gets sick and has to cancel the playdate?” Then you can talk not only about practical outcomes, but how to express and manage the emotions that come along with these disappointments.

• If a certain transition keeps causing problems even after you use these strategies, look for the reason behind it and problem solve a solution. For example, if your daughter keeps getting upset about going to music class, ask questions about class and you may find out that the boy she sits next to keeps grabbing her instruments. You could then talk about what she can do, or even discuss it with the teacher.

Other Problematic Areas

Example for kids who shy away from new situations/reject new things:

Parents can encourage them to try new things by first acknowledging their emotions. For example, if your child is nervous and refusing to sleepover his grandparents’ house, you could give him a hug and say, “Sleeping over grandma and grandpa’s house will be different. But I know you can do it, and I believe in you.”

Next, help the kid name their emotions and feelings, and let them know they aren’t alone. “Does your stomach feel funny, or your muscles feel wound up? It happens to a lot of people when they are nervous. I’ve felt that way too before giving a big presentation.”

Now, use a past example to boost your child’s confidence that they can handle this. “Remember when you stayed at grandma and grandpa’s house all afternoon, when Mommy was sick? You had such a blast, and you even took a nap there!”

Point out when your child successfully does part of the goal. “Wow, you got your sleeping bag all set up, with your stuffy inside. You are getting ready to spend the night.”

This can take time. Maybe your child wants you to stay for a half hour and play before you leave. Even if your child stays at his grandparents for the evening and needs to get picked up before bedtime, if you emphasis the positives and make him feel successful, he’ll likely be ready to spend the whole night soon.

These kids often need a couple tries before they say yes. Try to give them that opportunity.

Example for kids with a more negative or serious mood: Remind them of the positive things in their life. If they complain that they have homework in multiple subjects, you could say, “Which subject is the most interesting to you? What do you like to learn about?”

There is a lot of sample language in the book of what to say to your child. There are even sample statements based on what type of spirited child you have- intense, sensitive, persistent, etc. There are examples in each chapter that help clarify the ideas. I recommend reviewing the whole book if you want to know more about how to practically apply these ideas to your life. You can buy it on Amazon or Bookshop.org.