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The following are some examples of how I’ve applied the strategies and advice in How to Talk so Kids Will Listen…by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish to my own parenting. If you haven’t already, I recommend looking at the Summary or Quick Look to get an understanding of the strategies I mention. You can also check out Examples I’ve created to help understand the book.

This has been one of the most helpful parenting books for me. Just as the title promises, it taught me how to better listen and speak to my kids. It points out so many ways parents unknowingly irritate, offend, ignore or hurt kids’ feelings when kids are experiencing intense emotions. And then it teaches you how to create new habits to better respond to your kids (whether they are having meltdowns or just daily life) and to speak to your kids in a way that leads to better cooperation and a better relationship.

Listening to my Kids

It's hard to think of exact examples of myself listening to my kids per the book’s instructions, because I try to do it as much as I can. So when my kids are crying or yelling, I try (emphasis on TRY- I don’t always remember or succeed!) to take a breath myself and say something like, “You seem really mad that your brother knocked over your dollhouse set up.” Sometimes when I do this to my son, he gets a little annoyed (“yeah, obviously I’m mad because….”) and lists all the injustices. I listen, and try not to repeat too much back, or maybe agree that X can be frustrating.

Here’s a recent example: The other day, my kid was very upset they got hit by a blue shell in Mario Kart even though they were in second place and not first place (if you know, you know). I’ll spare the details, but basically they took their anger out on others and had to leave our “family video game night.” They were obviously very mad and then took their anger out on me. After they stormed off to their room, I gave them a moment and then came up. I knocked and they said to come in. I said something like, “I can tell you are really mad that you don’t get to finishing playing with the family.” My kid vented for a bit, and I rubbed their back. This is jumping toward the consequences section, but when they finished, I told them that it hurt my feelings when they said mean things to me, and how it’s OK to be angry, but not OK to take it out on others. I explained how they had a choice of using a strategy (taking deep breaths, walking away, doing jumping jacks, etc.) but they chose to take their anger out on us, and that had the consequence of them having to leave the game. And then when they further took their anger out on me, it hurt my feelings. Then my kid said didn’t they mean the things they said, and cuddled with me.

I also try not to deny my kids’ feelings. For instance, if an hour after lunch my kid says, “I’m starving, I need a snack!” I sometimes would say, “You’ll be fine, you just ate.” When I have the patience and right mindset, I try instead to say things like, “I know you are hungry, but I don’t like having to be in and out of the kitchen all day preparing and serving food. We’ll get a snack after we finish playing this game/running this errand/etc.” Or, now that they are older, “you can grab a piece of fruit, but we’re not going to do anything bigger until lunch.”

We play a lot of board/card games, and it comes natural to my husband and I to say things like, “It’s ok, it’s just game,” or, “we can play again” when the kids are losing and upset about it. We try to remember to let them be upset and maybe say something like, “Ugh, I always hate when I get bad cards, too. It’s so frustrating to watch everyone else play when there’s nothing you can do.” Once the kid’s complaint is fully vented, we may go back to the original advice (“It’s annoying to lose but once the game is over, you can always play again and try to do better/hope you get better cards/etc.”), but now the kids are able to hear us better.

I like to do the “granting wishes in an imaginary world” tip from the book. My daughter must have remembered me saying something like, “what if chocolate and ice cream and cake were actually really good for you?” because once while we were playing pretend, she made our characters (magic dogs, I think) have sweets be good for them and veggies be bad for them. So she’d have them say stuff like, “please, mom, can I have some celery?”

When the kids were little, I remember one time I encouraged my son to draw his feelings (he was feeling very angry). He resisted, so I sat down and started to draw my feelings (I was very angry too!). I drew an angry sort of cartoony guy, then a sad guy, then a peaceful guy, then a happy guy. I used different colors I associated with the emotions and it took some time, but by the time I finished, I felt so much better and calmer. I think at some point my son started to draw, though I doubt it was a picture of his emotions. I actually kept my picture- I can see it hanging up in the play room right now. I’m writing this example because even though my son didn’t end up drawing his emotions (and never did, thought sometimes he’ll draw as part of the “cooling down” process), I saw that it was helpful for me, so presumbably would help a kid if said kid is willing to try. Also, it shows how even if a strategy doesn’t seem to “work,” I’d argue that it still helps to calm the parent, and to model good coping and communication skills to your kid.

Getting Kids to Listen

I like making observations like, “Your jacket is on the floor,” or “We stay in our seat at dinner time,” or, “there’s pee on the seat.” Now, these statements don’t always mean that my kid is going to come fix the problem. I may have to add, “Can you please hang it up?” or “What should you do with your jacket?”, etc. But it’s still different and probably more effective than griping/demanding/lecturing/etc.

I do a lot of telling my kids how their behavior makes me feel. I mentioned that in an example above. I think this is very important in helping my kids see how their actions effect others. I also helps me deal with my own emotions in the moment. And it often is more effective for me to say, “It hurts my feelings when you mock me and roll your eyes at me,” then to say something like, “you need to be respectful to me!” Giving the kids a glimpse into how I feel puts them on my side rather than making them defensive, which is often what yelling/accusing does.

The simple point about making sure your kid heard and understood your request before repeating it is powerful but often doesn’t come naturally. How many of us yell to our kid, “it’s time to take a shower!” while washing the dishes in another room. Reading this advice in this book (and others) was a wake up call, and with lots of practice, more often than not I go to my kids and make sure they are listening before I make a request. This means being in the same room as the kids, making sure their eyes are on me (and not their book/toy), and sometimes getting them to repeat it back.  To be honest, I still often stop myself mid-yell: “Please come get your…nevermind I’ll come to you.” Silly, but I’m trying to teach my kids to do the same. I don’t respond when they yell from another room. I either say to myself (and loud enough that they might overhear me 😉), “I can’t hear. I’ll talk to X when she’s in the same room as me.” Usually, they come running in after that.

Consequences

 This is a tough one. We do try to use natural consequences when possible. For instance, when we kept having trouble with our kid procrastinating on their music practice, homework, and chores, we said that since their responsibilities weren’t getting done in time, we wouldn’t do screen time during the weekdays. And that did help.

However, while I support the idea of natural consequences, they don’t always exist. For instance, if your kid yells or speaks rudely to you, what’s the natural consequence?

I suppose this is where you use the others options listed. And we do all those things, but sometimes we add a consequence too. As in, “I just asked you to take a shower and you are refusing. I hear that you want to go second (after your sibling), but unfortunately that isn’t going to work tonight. You have a choice. You can go take your shower, or there will be a consequence.” In this case, and almost every case since it’s the only thing that motivates them, it is taking away some amount of screen time. I’m mentioning this because some people, like myself, have kids who don’t always respond to voicing disapproval, listing expectations, etc. And I want to be honest about how I try to use the authors’ advice on consequences but don’t follow it 100%.

We do a lot of problem solving. I have other examples of problem solving because that strategy is mentioned in other books. But here are a couple examples:

My daughter kept getting up in the middle of the night to sleep with us because of “nightmares.” I don’t mind if she comes into our bed every so often, but at age 7, I didn’t want her in my bed every night. So one morning I asked her to help problem solve with me. I don’t remember every idea, but I know she suggested watching her favorite show because, according to her, it always gives her good dreams. Remember any suggestion gets considered, so of course I just said, “Ok, that’s an idea.” I think she also wanted to keep the hallway and bathroom light on all night. I suggested she keep a night light, or a reading light. I also suggested that when she woke up from a nightmare, she take a deep breath and remind herself that it wasn’t real and she is OK. Once we had all the suggestions down, we talked about what wouldn’t work. Watching TV, because we don’t do screen time on weekdays or right before bed. The nightlight wasn’t bright enough for her. And we couldn’t leave the hallway/bathroom light on because it’s too bright for everyone else. She didn’t like my idea of taking a deep breath and reminding herself it was just a bad dream, perhaps too young for that! So we settled on the reading light, and it has helped. It’s not perfect, but we’re not having nightly visits of a thrashing child in our bed anymore.

One morning my kids were fighting about which day they’d do our advent calendars (we have two that they share). My son wanted to do the Lego Harry Potter advent calendar on even days (so he could have Christmas eve- the last day of the calendar) and my daughter wanted to do our wooden Christmas tree calendar on odd days because she wanted to put the reindeer ornament on day #1, which of course is odd. Yes, these were real arguments and they both felt very strongly and were yelling at each other. So we problem solved. One solution was that my son did both calendars on even days and my daughter did both on odd days. Another idea was that my son got his way (and my daughter didn’t), or vice versa. We were listing all the possibilities, remember, even though I knew that wasn’t going to happen. The suggestion which ended up being the solution was that my son would get evens on the Harry Potter calendar and odds on the tree calendar, but he’d let my daughter do the reindeer on the first day (and she got evens for the tree and odds for the Harry Potter calendar). If you followed that, congratulations! It actually worked fine and I liked that it required my son to let his sister go twice in row; a small sacrifice for what he ultimately wanted. Which is what compromising is all about!

Independence

I try not to ask too many questions about school, or even “how was school?” Usually the kids will launch into a story right away if they want to tell me something, or if not, they may share something at dinner or later in the evening. Or sometimes if I want to make conversation, I’ll say, “What was your favorite part of the day?” or “What special (gym/music/art/etc.) did you have today?” because they’ll get better responses, or remind the kids of a story that happened. But to be honest, my kids are quite chatty (like their mother) so it’s not a struggle to hear about their days.

I encourage the kids to take a guess at answering their own questions, especially when I’ve answered it before and I have a feeling they know the answer. Or if it’s a school question, like “how do I spell purple?” I’ll ask them to guess by sounding it out, and let them know I’ll help them if they are incorrect. I’ve done this with math related questions for a long time now (you’d be surprised how much math comes up in daily life if you look for it), and I swear it’s helped my kids to understand math better. So if my daughter asks, “how many days until my birthday?” we talk about how many weeks, and how many days are in a week, and then adding them together, etc. Or the popular, “how much time until X?” is a great opportunity for math.

Using the internet is a fast, easy way to bring in outside knowledge to answer a kid’s inquiry. Of course you have to be careful in teaching kids not to place too much trust in what they read online, so I try to make sure I say where I’m getting the information from and why it’s trustworthy. I also tell them when I look something up and get wrong information, and explain that this happens a lot online.

Here’s a small but helpful way I’ve brought in “outside help:” On our fridge we have a magnet that has the most recent nutritional guidelines in the form of a plate: it shows half the plate with fruits and veggies, ¼ protein and grains, and a little dairy on the side (with the website ChooseMyPlate.gov). It was from a preschool field trip to a grocery store. When my kids get whiny about their dinner and wanting to eat only snacky/sweet food, I often point to the magnet and repeat the same guidance about what our bodies need.

There have been times that my son and I have disagreed on the wording of a school project, or how much he has to practice for his music practice log. So I’ll reach out to the teacher to clarify.

I’ve definitely cut down on saying no by using the authors’ tips. I say when the kids can do something in the future, like telling them they can have a playdate on Saturday when they ask for one on a weekday and it doesn’t work with our schedule. Or sometimes when they ask for sweets, I’ll say “you can have a piece of candy now, but then you can’t have it with dinner. Up to you when you’d like it.”    

Praise

The advice about praising has been so helpful. I do a lot of descriptive praise when the kids show me artwork, or tell me about things they did in school, or when they do things at home that are helpful/kind/creative/etc.

 I will say, using praise with more mundane things is still something I have to remind myself about, and I easily fall out of the habit if I’m not practicing regular praising. This isn’t to say I don’t applaud my kids often for their efforts. But I often forget to use praise for small things- NOT teasing a sibling, sitting correctly at the table, packing their lunchbox without me asking. I haven’t measured it, but feel like I do notice a difference in cooperation when I praise the details. And I definitely notice a difference in mood, because everyone feels better (me and the kids) when the focus is on the positive, not the negative.

I do try to mention attributes that I feel my kids possess when I praise them. Just yesterday I told my kid about how proud I was of them for taking a shower even though they were initially pushing back. They actually were in the process of “going to ask Daddy!” if they had to shower, a common tactic to delay what they have to do. But before they did that, they changed their mind and decided it wasn’t worth it, and got in the shower anyway. I made sure to praise my kid for this behavior (it’s hard to change your course of action when you are worked up and angry!) as it happened and again at night when tucking them in.

Labels

Not much to say about this, other than I try very hard not to attach labels to the kids. It’s surprising how easily it comes to people, to attach labels. I suppose it’s because our brains like to simplify things. So even when we aren’t trying to be mean, things come out sometimes like, “Oh, they’re the slow one in the morning,” or “they leave a mess wherever they goes!” I’ve said both those things, so yeah, not always good at avoiding labels/blanket statements. This morning actually, I said something about my kid being “slow” with regards to getting ready. But then a moment later I said something like, “I shouldn’t say slow, that isn’t very nice. You do things thoughtfully when you get ready.” My kid smiled; I could tell that made them feel good after having been just called slow. Never too late to fix a default comment you make!

One time I’m always on the lookout for, and better at avoiding, not labeling my kids is calling them “mean” or similar. It’s always, “that wasn’t a kind thing to do,” or even, “that was a mean thing to say.” I must have told them dozens of times by now that people aren’t mean, but actions can be.

Troubleshooting

Just wanted to mention how helpful the tip about not adding “but” to your statement when sympathizing with your kid. As in, “I know you are jealous that your sister got a new journal, but you already have one and everything can’t always be the same between you two.” It really takes away from the empathy you are trying to extend. So I make a conscious effort to split it into two sentences. The first sentence is all empathy: “I bet your jealous that your sister got a new journal.” Then I can add, as they recommend in the book, the problem: “The problem is, I can’t buy two of everything or this house would be filled with too much stuff and it would cost a lot of money!” Sometimes I will even try to give some space between the two sentences to really make sure the listening and empathy comes across.

Using humor is so helpful! It’s also so hard when you are frustrated. But when we can, my husband and I try to use silly voices, make jokes about outlandish situations that could occur if our kids do X, etc. Sometimes I start to sing about what I’m frustrated about to stop myself from yelling. Sounds crazy, probably is crazy, but it saves me from raising my voice or saying things I’ll regret later.

That being said, I love the tip about how it’s ok to have frustration in your voice, and even raise it, but the most important thing is the CONTENT of your words. If you are a parent who can weather meltdowns and kids talking back to you and stay calm, that is awesome. Truly, it inspires awe! Every once and while I can, too. But when it gets rough, my tone often belies the frustration inside. And that is ok- we aren’t robots- but what is problematic is criticizing, threatening, belittling, etc.

If you like what you’re reading about this book, I highly recommend picking it up. Not only is it full of good information, but it’s written in a way that is enjoyable and quick to get through. Plus, there are practice exercises and a ton of examples.

Buy the book on Amazon or Bookshop.org.