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If you don’t have much time, check out my Quick Look. To help understand the summary better, I recommend looking at the Examples for sample language and situations. You could also check out my Personal Experience with this book to see how I incorporate these ideas into my life.

Listening to Kids

When kids talk, especially when they come to parents with strong emotions, parents often don’t really listen. Parents often respond in ways that denies or explains away the child’s feeling, which can make kids feel angry, defensive, hurt, and less likely to share their feelings in the future. Here are some typical responses that parents should try to eliminate:

• Denying the feeling. For instance, a kid might say, “I’m hungry!” and a parent may reply, “You just ate an hour ago, you’re fine.”

• Looking at your phone, the dishes you are washing, another child, etc. while your kid is talking.

• Interrupting your child.

• Giving advice right away, without first validating or sympathizing. The longer you wait and allow your child to tell you everything that happened, the better chance there is that your kid will come up with their own ideas of what to do next.

• Asking questions, perhaps to get at what your child did wrong in the situation, or why they are feeling a certain way. Kids often can’t verbalize why they are feeling the strong emotion.

• Explaining or using logic to try to talk a kid out of feeling a certain way.

Here is how parents can listen effectively.

• Parents should let kids share their feeling, listen to the feeling, name the feeling, and show empathy.

• It can be tricky to identify the feeling behind the outburst, but it’s important to name your child’s feeling. (“It seems like you are disappointed”; “I bet you are feeling jealous that..”; “that sounds frustrating.”) If you are wrong about the feeling, you’re kid will likely let you know and you can revise.

• Parents can also show they understand what their kids are saying by making statements that give their kids what they want in a fictional world. For instance, if your kid says, “I don’t want to go to sleep!” you could say, “Imagine if people didn’t have to sleep and we could just play all night long!”

• Show you are listening by looking at your child, nodding, and making sympathetic sounds or interjections (“Hmm..” “Oh no!” “Ah”). Voicing their thoughts to a sympathetic listener gives them room to move from feelings to problem solving.

• Keep your attitude and tone kind and receptive. Put some emotion in your voice or kids may be offended at your lack of feeling. For example, if your kid is angry and you say something like, “It must be frustrating…” in a very calm voice, he may get more upset because your tone is communicating that he needs to calm down.

• You can repeat some of what your child is saying back to them to encourage them to elaborate or what happened or what’s bothering them (just use different words or it’s annoying). This helps them process through the emotion.

• Validating the feeling is different than agreeing with it, or even allowing the accompanying behavior. You are simply letting your kid know that you hear and understand how they are feeling. When kids feel listened to, they may be more likely to tolerate the rules.

• If your kid uses inappropriate language to express their feeling, you can tell them you’d like to talk to them about the situation, but they need to use different words.

• You can encourage a young child to draw their feelings if they have trouble verbalizing them.

• When you allow kids to experience their feeling, it’s easier for them to get past it.

• Sometimes the first couple times you try this strategy, kids will seem even more upset. That’s ok; they have to adjust to the new response to their emotions.

• Even if it seems like your kid loses it over every little thing, you can still offer understanding with a simple statement or hug. It won’t spoil them; kids need our attention and love.

Getting Kids to Listen to You

Again, there are many ways of phrasing requests that are likely to make kids ignore us at best, or make kids feel hurt, embarrassed, or anger at worst. These can include lecturing, yelling/using a sharp tone of voice, shaming, using hurtful names, threatening, comparing to others, being sarcastic, and making comments about how their actions will doom them in the future.

So what can you do? Here are some suggestions:

• State the problem you observe in a neutral way. For instance, when there are Legos all over the floor and your kid doesn’t seem to notice/care, you could say, “There are a lot of Legos on the floor.”

• Also along the lines of stating observations, inform kids about things related to what you want them to do. For instance, if your child is doing crafts on the kitchen table but that’s against the rules, you may say, “Crafts should be done at the craft table downstairs.” Or, “Markers and glue can make our table dirty. That’s why we do them at a special craft table.” These can also be more general statements like, “Markers will go dry if the caps aren’t put back on.”

• Cut down the explanations/threats/lectures and stick to one word. For instance, if your child is dawdling when he’s supposed to be getting in the shower, you can just say, “shower.”

• Say how your kid’s action is making you feel. For instance, “it’s hard for me to focus on driving when you guys are fighting in the backseat.”

• Leave a note for your kids. For instance, you could put a note by the toilet that says, “Please put the seat down and remember to flush. Thank you!”

• Use humor. This can be tough when you are frustrated, but it’s often effective.

• Rather than repeating yourself, first check that your child heard and understood.

Don’t give up if one strategy doesn’t work; you can use more than one for the same request.

Punishment/Consequences

As you learn these skills, it is normal to continue your “old ways” of speaking to your kids. Maybe you notice and regret it. You’ll continue to be faced with chances to practice so don’t give up.

Punishment can make kids feel bad about themselves, resentful of their parents (and damage the relationship), or simply make them think about how they can misbehave “better” next time, or seek revenge. Punishment doesn’t work.

Instead of punishment, parents should focus on consequences. This means that kids face the fallout of their bad behavior. It doesn’t mean using a punishment and calling it a consequence. For instance, if your child doesn’t listen when you ask them to do their homework and practice an instrument, then they may run out of time to play or watch TV.

Some other ideas instead of punishment include: giving kids a choice, letting kids know what is expected of them, telling kids how they can be helpful or correct a problem, and voicing your disapproval. You also may need to take action, such as removing an object from a kid.

For stubborn or complex problems, use problem solving:

• Sit down with your kid and state the problem.

• Discuss how you both feel about it, and what you both want.

• Come up with possible solutions and write them down. It’s ok if they aren’t realistic, just come up with several ideas to solve the problem, some from you and some from your kid. Don’t shoot down any ideas.

• Talk about which solutions are acceptable to both parties, and write those down. If you don’t come up with a solution you agree up, let it go. It’s progress to discuss it and you may come back to it.

• Try them out.

• After using this method multiple times, kids can try to use it with each other.

Don’t try to figure out which kid committed which misbehavior. Better to express disapproval, ask for compliance in the future, and have both kids make amends.

Several experts agree that punishment is harmful and can create short and long term issues in kids (imitating bad behavior, low self-confidence, lack of respect, etc.)  

If something works for a bit, and then stops working, don’t give up. Talk about how else you can fix the problem.

Independence

One of parents’ most important task is teaching their kid independence, so they ultimately learn how to be a functioning person in the world. Independence also helps kids feel confident, and warmer toward their family, as opposed to the resentment an overly dependent kid may feel.

There are many ways to foster independence in kids of all ages.

• Providing choices. “Do you want to brush your teeth, or get dressed first?” You can even involve your kid by asking if they see another way (i.e., “I want to pack my backpack first, and then get dressed and brush my teeth.”)

• Listening and sympathizing with the problem, rather than dismissing it. “That word is tough. Sounding it out may help.”

• Allow kids space to tell you things, rather than peppering them with questions. Sometimes asking questions- especially open ended ones- can cause kids to clam up.

• When kids ask questions, encourage them to take a guess. “Why do you think it’s colder in the morning?” Remember that the practice of discovery is important in learning.

• Suggest enlisting a third party for outside help/advice. When a child complains, “Ugh. Why do I have to practice so much?” you could say, “Let’s ask your music teacher what she recommends and why.”

• Don’t shoot down kids’ plans or dreams, even if it seems unrealistic. Be open and encouraging.

• Don’t discuss your kid in front of others.

• If it feels like you are saying “no” too much, try these other ways of phrasing it:

  • State or explain the facts that would prevent the request: “Can I play a video game?” “Video time is at 5 pm.”

  • Sympathize: “I want to go to the trampoline park with Susie! It’s not fair that she gets to go for a birthday party and I don’t.” “I can see how that bothers you. It’s hard not to feel jealous when Susie gets to do something fun without you.”

  • Instead of saying no now, say yes in the future. “Can I have a cookie?” “Sure, you can have one after dinner.”

  • Don’t be afraid to wait on giving an answer right away. You can always say you need to think on it.

• Be mindful about how you give advice. Talk to your kids about their problems, but let them first have space to think about and say what they think they should do. If you have advice you’d like to give, phrase it gently, such as, “Do you think it would help to talk to your kickball team and make sure you all agree on the same rules?” Or you can express your opinion, but again, be kind and open. “I think it is kind and fair when everyone playing decides together on the rules.” Or “I worry that kids will still be confused if the rules aren’t agreed upon by all.”

It’s okay to feel sad about watching your kids need you less and less. Acknowledge those feelings, but don’t let them prevent you from helping your kid learn to do things themselves.

Praise

It is extremely important for parents to provide regular and genuine positive feedback (praise) to develop a child’s self esteem. Praise also strengthens the parent/child relationship, and makes kids more likely to cooperate.

It doesn’t come natural to parents- or most humans- to praise. The default usually is to expect good behavior, and call out missteps. It will take time and energy to create new habits, but it is better for our kids (and ourselves) and focus more on praise/positive feedback than negative feedback.

Praising correctly is key. If you just throw around the words, “good job!” and “fantastic!” it won’t help much, and can actually have negative effects, such as a kid feeling patronized or anxious that they have to live up to the superlatives.

Parents can provide good praise by making a positive descriptive statement about what they observe, what they like, or how they feel. The child then uses that feedback to give herself praise. It takes more effort that the default superlatives, but it’s well worth it when you see your child reflecting and complimenting himself.

For example, when your child reads a story to you, instead of saying, “Great job reading!” you might say, “You read most of those words by yourself, and sounded out the ones that gave you trouble. It makes me happy to hear you reading.”

After giving the descriptive praise, parents can also add on a positive attribute that a child is showing. For example, building off the example above, you could say, “You read a lot of words without a problem, and you are sounding out the ones that are tricky. You are showing determination.” This helps kids internalize positive attributes, which again leads to a more positive self-image.

Tips:

• Use age appropriate praise. Don’t belittle older kids by praising for things they already do/easy things.

• Don’t insert any negativity into the praise, like, “I’m happy to see you brushing your teeth without me having to ask you five times.”

• Don’t go over the top with the same praise over and over, or it could put pressure on your child.

• Don’t praise things you don’t want to encourage. Sounds obvious, but parents sometimes accidentally praise actions they later wish their kids would stop.

• It’s ok if superlatives automatically come out. Just add on the descriptive piece.

• If your child does something not completely right, praise the part that is correct/desirable. This will motivate them more than criticizing the errors. For example, if your child sets the table incompletely, you could say, “You remembered the plates, forks and knives.” They would likely realize the spoons were missing, and want to get it all right the next time.

• If your child is struggling with a behavior, try finding something small to praise. Again, this encourages the child to get better.

• When a child makes a mistake, you can bring up past praise to encourage them to improve. For a small example, if your kid leaves a big drop of toothpaste on the counter, you may say, “This is the first time I’ve seen toothpaste on the counter for months. You’ve been keeping the counter very clean lately.” 

Labels

Parents words have a lot of power to shape how kids see themselves, both good and bad. Be careful of labeling your kids. When parents repeatedly call their kids, “difficult” or “grumpy” or “clumsy,” kids internalize that.

It’s not too late! Parents can still change how their kids see themselves with these actions:

• Be on the lookout for- and point out- times that your kid doesn’t fit the label. For instance, if you have often called your kid a “slowpoke” in the mornings, point out when she remembers to put on socks, or gets dressed without getting distracted.

• Create chances for your kid to act differently than the label. For instance, if he is often called “clumsy,” give him a chance to set the table or pour the water.

• When your kid is nearby and can hear you, say positive things about your kid to others.

• Behave the way you want your kid to behave.

• Remember the times your kid acted differently than the label, and remind your kid of them. For example, for a kid whose often labeled impatient, “I remember when you had to wait for your brother to finish his basketball practice. You read your book and watched the kids play, and the time passed quickly.”

• If your kid acts according to the undesirable label, express how you feel or what your expectations are. For instance, for a kid who responds rudely when he is angry, you may say, “I feel frustrated when you talk to me in a rude tone. I expect you to use a calming strategy until you are able to speak kindly to me.”

Troubleshooting

Here are some tips to deal with common problems that can arise when trying these strategies.

• When offering choices, make both choices palatable to you and your child. If both choices are rejected, try offering understanding for your kid’s emotions. Then when he is calmer, offer the choices again.

• When problem solving, don’t discuss consequences. Focus on solving the problem, and not what happens if you don’t.

• When sympathizing with your kid, don’t add “but” onto the sentence because it takes away from your expression of understanding. So don’t say, “I know you are jealous that your sister got a new journal, but you already have one and everything can’t always be the same between you two.” One thing you can do is make a statement such as “the problem is.” Such as, “I bet you are jealous that your sister got a new journal. The problem is, I can’t buy two of everything or this house would be filled with too much stuff and it would cost a lot of money!”

• Avoid asking your kid why/why not they did/didn’t do something. It immediately puts them on the defensive. Instead, lay out the problem with understanding.

• When a child is upset and not saying why, resist the urge to ask, as it can prolong the silence. Just be present with them, and let them know you see that they are sad/angry/etc: “You have a sad look on your face.” This can encourage them to open up, and even if not, it’s important to know they have their parent on their side, and may encourage them to open up in the future.

• Time outs aren’t helpful. Kids don’t use the time to think about what they did and how to do better; they may think about how to get revenge, or dwell on what a bad kid they are. Instead, address the misbehavior with the strategies you’ve read.

• Some readers have had problems with spouses not going along with the strategies. There are some specific reader feedback about what helped, including talking about how to address specific behaviors together, modeling the strategies, and explaining how good parenting is just one more way parents take care of their kids’ wellbeing.

• Use humor/creativity if you can! The authors didn’t talk much about humor because it can feel like a lot of pressure to tell a parent to be funny when they are stressed out and frustrated by poor behavior. But there are a bunch of examples of parents using humor, and it truly can change the tone of an argument and diffuse many tense situations.

• It’s ok to have frustration in your voice, even to raise it at times. The more important thing is to watch WHAT you are saying; to make sure you are saying how you feel or describing the situation, not threatening/criticizing/etc.

• Instead of throwing a barrage of questions at your kid, you can make (kind, not accusing or sarcastic) statements like, “I’d love to hear about how your first day of lunch clubs went, when you feel like telling me about it.”

Conclusion

Being a parent is hard. Be kind to yourself. You have tools you can use, but you won’t always remember to use them, or may revert back to old habits in the heat of the moment. Don’t get too down on yourself; try again next time.

Also, remember the important reasons why you are working so hard to learn new strategies and ditch unhelpful habits. You are trying to use and teach effective, positive forms of communication that will serve your family now, and your children as they grow into adults.

Afterword

There is an afterword written by Joanna Faber, daughter of Adele Faber (one of the authors). She writes that even though she was brought up with all the strategies from this book- the problem solving rather than punishment, the empathetic listening, etc.- she still sometimes stumbled through difficult moments of parenting and said things she knew were unhelpful/harmful. She still had to be conscious about parenting and remind herself of the strategies.

In the afterword, Joanna talks about the workshops she gave on parenting, and provides even more examples of parents’ problems and successes using the strategies in the book. She ends with saying that after the workshops are over, the skill that parents say is most helpful for them is acknowledging their kids’ emotions. It factors into most of the other areas- getting cooperation, dealing with poor behavior, learning independence- so it is essential to practice and learn, and makes a big difference in day-to-day life.

If you like what you have read in the summary, I highly recommend picking up the book. There are exercises that encourage parents to think of sample language to respond to various situations, and even practice with another parent. There are action items at the end of each chapter to complete (the authors recommend doing the exercises as they read and trying the action items for a week before moving on to the next chapter). There are lots of cartoons/comics throughout the book to illustrate the points they make, which is an enjoyable way to read lots of examples. There are Q&A’s throughout the book that are helpful in solidifying the ideas and addressing issues that may not have been covered.

 Buy the book on Amazon or Bookshop.org.