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Check out my Summary for more details and explanation from the book, my Examples for sample language and application, and my Personal Experience for how I’ve applied these strategies to my life.

Listening to Kids

When kids talk, especially voicing strong emotions, parents often don’t really listen. Instead, they may deny the feeling, interrupt, give advice right away, ask questions, offer explanations, or respond vaguely while looking at their phone. These typical responses can make kids feel angry, defensive, hurt, and reluctant to share their feelings.

• Instead, listen effectively by letting kids share their feelings, listening to those feelings, naming the feelings, and showing empathy.

• When naming the feeling, don’t assume you know; use language like “you seem frustrated.”

• Look at your kid, nod, and make sympathetic sounds or interjections. Put emotion in your voice so kids aren’t offended by lack of feeling.

• You can paraphrase what your kid is saying to encourage them to elaborate.

• Validating feelings is different than agreeing with it or allowing accompanying behavior. It’s letting your kid know you hear and understand how they feel.

• Young kids can draw their feelings.

• When kids experience their feeling, it’s easier to move past it.

• Example: A kid’s sibling steals the last pretzel off his plate when he’s not looking. The kid starts yelling. Parents can say, “I bet you are frustrated that Tim took your last pretzel. You love pretzels, and you were so hungry after school!”

Getting Kids to Listen

Don’t do the following to get kids to listen: lecturing, yelling/using a sharp tone, shaming, threatening, comparing to others, being sarcastic. Here is what you can do:

• State the problem you observe in a neutral way.

• Inform kids about things related to what you want them to do. Ex: “Crafts should be done at the craft table downstairs.”

• Use one word. If your kid needs to take a shower, just point and say, “Shower.”

• Say how your kid’s action makes you feel.

• Leave a note for your kid.

• Use humor.

• Don’t repeat yourself; first check to see if your kid heard and understood.

Punishment/Consequences

Punishment doesn’t work. It can make kids feel bad about themselves and resentful toward parents. It can make them plan how to not get caught next time, or to seek revenge.

Instead, focus on consequences. This means kids face the fallout of their bad behavior. For instance, if your child doesn’t listen when you ask them to do their homework and practice an instrument, then they may run out of time to play or watch TV.

Other strategies you can use: give kids a choice, let them know what is expected of them, tell them how to help/correct a problem, voice your disapproval, take action (remove an object, etc.).

For complex problems, problem solve.

• Sit down with your kid and state the problem.

• Discuss both of your feelings and wants.

• Write down possible solutions- anything goes, don’t shoot anything down.

• Talk about which solutions are acceptable to both parties, and write them down. If you don’t come up with anything, let it go. It’s still progress and you can come back to it.

• Try the solution(s) out.

When two kids are involved in misbehavior, don’t try to figure out who did what. Express disapproval, ask for compliance in the future, and have both kids make amends.

Independence

One of parents’ most important jobs is teaching independence. It brings confidence, where as overly dependent kids may feel resentment. Here’s how to do it:

• Provide choices. I.e., “Do you want to brush your teeth or get dressed first?”

• Listen and sympathize with the problem, rather than dismissing it.

• Allow kids space to tell you things rather than endless questions.

• When kids ask something, encourage them to take a guess.

• Enlist a third party for outside help/advice.

• Be encouraging; don’t shoot down kids’ plans and dreams.

• Don’t discuss your kid in front of others.

• Avoid saying no all the time:

  • State the facts that prevent the request.

  • Sympathize.

  • Say yes in the future.

  • Wait to give an answer- say you need to think on it.

• Be mindful of giving advice. Give them space to generate their own solutions. Phrase your advice/opinion in a gentle and open way.

Praise

It is extremely important for parents to provide regular and genuine positive feedback (praise) to develop a child’s self esteem, strengthen the parent/child relationship, and increase cooperation.

Praising correctly is key. Avoid superlatives like, “good job!” and “fantastic!” Or use these words after providing more effective praise.

Effective praise entails a positive descriptive statement about what the parent observes, likes, or feels. The child uses that feedback to give herself praise. It takes more thought and effort to create new praise-giving habits, but it’s well worth it. Ex: When your child reads a story to you, instead of saying, “Great job reading!” you might say, “You read most of those words by yourself, and sounded out the ones that gave you trouble. It makes me happy to hear you reading.”

• To further boost kids’ self-image, you can tack on a positive attribute to the praise: “You read a lot of words without a problem, and you are sounding out the ones that are tricky. You are showing determination.”

• Use age appropriate praise so as not to belittle kids.

• Don’t insert any negativity into the praise (no “buts”).

• Don’t go over the top with the same praise again and again.

• If your kid doesn’t do something totally right, praise the parts she did do right.

• If your child is struggling with a behavior, try finding something small to praise.

• When a kid makes a mistake, bring up past praise to encourage them to improve.

Labels

Be careful of labeling your kids- they internalize it and are more likely to act that way. If you’ve already labeled your kid, you can change how they see themselves by doing the following:

• Lookout for and point out times your kid doesn’t fit the label.

• Create chances for your kid to act differently than the label.

• When your kid is nearby and can hear you, say positive things about your kid to others.

• Behave the way you want your kid to behave.

• Remember when your kid acted differently, and remind him of those times.

• If your kid does act according to the label, express how you feel or your expectations.

Conclusion

        Being a parent is hard. Be kind to yourself. You have tools you can use, but you won’t always remember to use them, or may revert back to old habits in the heat of the moment. Don’t get too down on yourself; try again next time. To motivate yourself, remember that you are trying to use and teach effective, positive communication that will help your kids now and as they grow into adults.

If you like what you have read in the Quick Look, I highly recommend reading the book. There are exercises throughout, and action items at the end of each chapter to try before moving on to the next chapter. There are cartoons/comics, tons of examples, Q&A’s, and letters of praise from readers.

Buy the book on Amazon or Bookshop.org.