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Here are examples of sample language that show what it looks like to use the strategies in How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

If you haven’t yet, I strongly recommend reading the Summary along with these examples, or at least the Quick Look. You could also check out my Personal Experience with this book, which was one of the books I’ve drawn from most.

Listening to Kids

“It seems like you are sad that your friend is moving to a new city.”

“I bet you are feeling jealous that your sister has a friend over and you don’t.”

“That sounds annoying that your friend kept interrupting your game at recess.”

Repeating back:

Kid: “My teacher yelled at me for talking in class, but Paul was the one talking to ME, it wasn’t my fault, he was making me laugh!”

Parent: “I bet you are frustrated. You got in trouble for disrupting the class, but someone else was doing the talking.”

Kid: “Lily is going to break my car track! She is just a baby, she can’t have it! She’ll drool on it or break it apart and then I’ll never be able to use it!”

Parent: “You seem worried that Lily is going to mess up car track you worked so hard on creating.”

Validating the feeling despite not agreeing with the behavior:

*revisit when you get the book. “I bet you are feeling angry about having to do this worksheet, and that’s why you wrinkled it into a ball. You’d probably rather just relax after school than do homework. The problem is your teacher assigned that work to you and is expecting you to turn it in tomorrow. Do you need help understanding it? Do you want to take a break before working on it?”

Short statements for the child who gets upset over every little thing:

“That’s frustrating.”

“Would you like a hug?”

“Ugh, that’s hard.”

Getting Kids to Listen to You

State the problem you observe in a neutral way:

“Your backpack is in the middle of the hallway.”

“I can’t walk in here because there are so many toys on the ground.”

“You left the kitchen, but your dinner plate is still on the table.”

Informing kids about things related to what you want them to do:

“We may lose track of toys if we don’t put them in the right place.”

“Toys aren’t allowed at the dinner table. They may get food on them.”

“The teacher won’t let students go outside if they don’t have a jacket when it’s cold.”

More general statements:

“Books’ spines and pages will get bent if you don’t use a bookmark.”

“Crackers will get stale if you leave the package open.”

Say how your kid’s action is making you feel:

“It makes me nervous when you climb on the banister like that.”

“I feel sad when you tease your little brother.”

“I try to make nice, healthy dinners, so it’s frustrating when you make faces and say, ‘it’s gross,’ without even trying it.”

Leave a note for your kid:

Putting a sign that says “Share” in the playroom.

Putting a note in your kid’s folder that says, “Remember to bring your lunchbox home.”

Hanging a note in the kitchen that says, “Wash hands before dinner.”

Use humor:

When there are toys all over the floor, do a ridiculous fake fall, act surprised and say something like, “what are all these toys doing here?!”

Use silly voices to ask your kid to do something.

Make a stuffed animal or other toy make a request. “Excuse me sir, but please can you put you dirty laundry in the hamper? It is getting very stinky in here!”

Pretend like your kid is on a game show. “You have 1 minute to get your shoes on, and you’ll win a free trip to Hawaii! Go!”

Act like a character, and/or pretend your kid is a character from their favorite book. As Hermione from Harry Potter: “Oh dear, my room is a mess! I suppose I could use the Wingardium Leviosa spell to pick some of it up!”

Consequences

A child won’t wear appropriate clothes, so they can’t go to the park.

A child procrastinates and resists chores, and by the time they get them done, they are late to go to a friend’s house.

A kid leaves their clay out without putting it away properly, and it dries out so they can’t use it again.

A kid doesn’t put away their toys in the proper places, so they can’t find it when they want to play with it.

Problem Solving:

Katie wants to go to her friend’s house, but her family already has plans to go to an aunt and uncle’s house to visit with extended family. Katie would rather play with her friend then visit with adults she doesn’t normally see and doesn’t know well. Katie starts to yell, and calls her parents “mean,” and refuses to get ready to go. Katie’s parents sit down with her to problem solve.

Parent: “Ok Katie, let’s figure out what to do about this problem. You want to go to your friend Olivia’s house, but we already made plan to go to Aunt Ruth and Uncle Joe’s house to visit with our family from Ohio. It’s important to us that we go to Aunt Ruth’s because we committed to these plans and our family is expecting us. We’re also looking forward to catching up with aunts, uncles and cousins that we only see once a year.”

Katie: “Yeah but there aren’t any kids my age, they are all teenagers and adults. There are no toys, and it’s not fun. I don’t really care about seeing all those aunts and uncles and cousins, so can’t I go to Olivia’s while you are there?”

Parent: “Well, let’s write that down as a possible solution. We are going to write down a bunch of ideas to solve the problem, and then we’ll pick one that works for everyone.”

Katie: “Ok, well that’s my solution. Or you get a babysitter so I can at least stay home and play with my own toys.”

Parent: “Ok, let’s write it down. You could come with us, and bring some of your toys from home. Or you could come with us and bring some board games to play, possibly with some of the family.”

Katie: “Or I could bring the iPad and watch a show while you talk to everyone.”

Parent: “Ok, I think we have a lot of ideas here. Unfortunateley, we aren’t OK with the first two, because it’s important to us that you come and at least say hi to your extended family. They want to see how you’ve grown and what you’re up to!”

Katie: “Ugh.”

Parent: “How do you feel about the other ideas? Bringing toys, games, or iPad?”

Katie: “Fine, I’ll go if I can be on the iPad the whole time.”

Parent: “Well, that won’t work because you would go over your screen time limit for the day. And you can’t visit with people while you’re on a screen. How about this- can you bring either toys and games to play, and then use the iPad for the last half hour? Maybe you could even find a game on the iPad that your teen cousins would want to play with you.”

Katie: “Yeah, I bet they’d like to see the house I made in Minecraft. Ok, I’ll bring my Barbies and some card games.”

Parent: “That sounds like a good plan. I bet we can even get some of the adults to play cards. Sometimes adults get bored of talking to each other, too! And I’ll talk to Olivia about doing a playdate next weekend.”

Don’t try to figure out who misbehaved:

When two (or more) kids are shouting at you about who spilled the coffee, you could say, “I’m frustrated that you were playing at the kitchen table, where my coffee is. The rule is that toys don’t belong at the table, especially when there are drinks and food on it. Please help me clean it up. Here, James you can get the coffee with the paper towels, and then Patrick, you can wipe the area with this wet rag so it doesn’t stain or get sticky.”

Independence

Offering kids choices:

“Do you want to put away your laundry before your shower or after?”

“Should we go to the pharmacy or the book store first?”

“Would you like to read or draw quietly?”

Give kids space to think things through. Examples of general questions and expressing broad opinions vs. giving detailed advice:

“Hmm that’s a tricky problem. What do you think would help?”

“Do you think that might upset him/her/them?”

“I don’t think it’s kind to leave anyone out.”

 “I think it’s best to not share others’ secrets.”

Praise

“I like how you made the sky colorful, like a sunset,” instead of “beautiful picture!”

“You started your homework with me asking you too! That is very responsible.”

“I am proud of you for sharing your favorite truck with your sister. She seems very excited to play with it,”

“It makes me so happy to see your beautiful handwriting on this report. And such hard work- you must have read a lot of facts to write it.”

For when your child doesn’t do something completely correct, praise the part that is right. “I can see you vacuumed under the table well, I don’t see any crumbs there.” Hopefully they realize there are crumbs other places they need to get.

If your kid is struggling with something, find something small to praise. For a kid who has trouble with spelling tests: “Nice job remembering how to spell ‘business,’ that’s a tricky word.”

Praise past compliance to encourage present/future compliance: “All last week you remembered to bring your plate to the sink after dinner. That really helps make clean up easier for Daddy.”

Troubleshooting

Avoid asking your kid why/why not they did/didn’t do something. So if one child cries that her sibling ruined her Lego building, say something like, “Oh that’s so frustrating! Annie, it looks like Julie’s building got messed up, and she’s upset because she worked so hard on it. How about we all fix it together. Annie, please come and help Julie and me fix her Lego building.”

If you like what you have read in the summary and examples, I highly recommend picking up the book. There are exercises that encourage parents to think of sample language to respond to various situations, and even practice with another parent. There are action items at the end of each chapter to complete (the authors recommend doing the exercises as they read and trying the action items for a week before moving on to the next chapter. This makes is less overwhelming, to practice one new strategy at a time). There are lots of cartoons/comics throughout the book to illustrate the points they make, which is an enjoyable way to read lots of examples. There are Q&A’s throughout the book that are helpful in solidifying the ideas and addressing issues that may not have been covered.

 Buy the book on Amazon or Bookshop.org.