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The following are some examples of how I’ve applied the strategies and advice in Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting by Noel Janis-Norton to my own parenting. If you haven’t already, I recommend looking at the Summary or Quick Look to get an understanding of the strategies I mention. You can also see Examples of sample language and situations.           

So I will start by saying that of all the parenting books I’ve summarized thus far, these are among the strategies I use the most. They work well for both my kids, and are especially helpful for my more sensitive/intense kiddo who doesn’t respond well to lots of other parenting strategies. Focusing on the positive also helps me feel less guilty, more confident, and generally calmer and happier (it’s called that for a reason!). That being said, it’s not easy, and I often find myself falling back into old habits. It may be helpful for others, as it is for me, to revisit the summaries of the strategies, or the example language, when you feel your positivity slipping regularly (because of course it will slip occasionally for everyone).

Descriptive Praise

A lot of the examples that I wrote in my summary are from my own life. When my kids do something kind or creative, it’s easy to remember to praise. In those times, what is important to remember is to not do lots of “Good jobs!” and instead comment more specifically on what I like: “You worked so hard in sounding out those words!” or “I noticed that you really focused on dribbling the ball down the field.”

I’ve also tried remembering to descriptive praise in the middle of an argument/tense situation. Things straight from the book like, “you stopped yelling.” Or, “You are really mad but I saw you take a big breath, that’s really helpful.” I try harder to find the positives in the middle of the showdown, which is a great habit to get into.  And if I don’t manage to, or I lose my cool, I try to remember to descriptively praise after the fact. Such as, “we were both really angry, but you walked away to help calm down.”

Praising the absence of a behavior remains the toughest for me! Usually the time I remember it the most is when the kids are playing well together. I’ll check in with them, comment on what they are doing, and say something like, “Wow, you guys are playing so well together. You are really enjoying this game!” Or, “You guys are being so imaginative. I love how you are both having so much fun with each other.” Or, “It’s so nice to hear you guys playing well while I’m making dinner. It makes me so happy!”

Preparing for Success

1.)    Think-throughs: When my husband and I made a rule (from the Calmer, Happier, Easier Screen Time book) about earning screen time based on cooperation during 4 quarters of the day, we did think-throughs about it. First we sat down as a family and presented the new rules, and let them ask questions, and then asked questions of them. Then in the next couple days, I’d ask different or the same questions to ensure they understood.

2.)    Be realistic when making plans: We start the bedtime routine earlier, and give plenty of time to get ready in the morning. We also limit our extracurriculars so we don’t always feel rushed. This is a big one, and hard to do. But, so far, we’ve limited the kids to one sport and one art/music activity per season.

3.)    Special Time: We have gone through periods where I did have designated 1:1 time with each kid. This was a bit tricky because one of my kiddos would get very jealous and mad when I was doing 1:1 time with the other kid. So they would try to eavesdrop or join in or just cry and yell, so it became problematic.

We have a more flexible approach now, but we do fit in a good amount of special time. On the weekends, my husband and I often split time between the kids. Or sometimes if we have 30 minutes of down time, I’ll let one kid pick what we do for 15 minutes, and then let the other pick for the next 15 minutes. Sometimes the other kid joins in, but as long as it doesn’t both the kid who picked the activity, I’m fine with it. To me, the most important thing is spending time with the kids, so if it’s the two of them and me rather than one on one, I still take that as a win. I just make sure I’m engaging with both of them.

My younger child had trouble with losing her “one on one time” with me every morning before Kindergarten when she moved to first grade. She even had days when she’d say she didn’t feel well, and then later admit that she just wanted to stay home and play with me. So I made sure that I’d find time, usually when her brother was at a birthday party of play date or sporting event, to spend time just with her. It truly makes a difference to her, and she values it very much. And so do I!

4.)    United Front: My husband and I talk about parenting, though usually it’s when a problem arises rather than a regular meeting (“Solution Talk”) that the author recommends. For instance, when we started having trouble getting one kid to practice their instrument, after days of fighting, we talked together about what we felt should be the rule. Should they practice it daily? How long? Before videos? We decided to go with the recommendation of the music teacher: 10 minutes, 4 days a week, and that it didn’t matter when they practiced as long as it got down. Then, when practicing kept being delayed and then not achieved, we talked again about next steps.

We’ve also had conversations about parenting strategies; how can we stay more positive? How can we stop our anger from taking over in frustrating situations?

Above all, we try to make sure we are on the same page about rules, because our kids will try to play us off each other to get what they want (who didn’t do that as a kid?!).

Reflective Listening

Of course, I have the kiddo who gets mad when I Reflectively Listen, especially when it’s about anger. They would say things like, “why are you telling me I’m mad! Stop saying I’m mad!” I explained that I was simply noticing that they seemed angry, and that sometimes it can help to name what we are feeling. And that sometimes it can feel good to know that someone notices and understands that you are feeling badly. Apparently, they don’t agree! But I persist, and ensure I say things like, “It seems like…” so my kid doesn’t think I’m telling them that they’re mad. Or I’ll focus on what I think the source of the anger may be. As if, “It seems like you are mad that you have to take a shower right now.”

I have read over and over that it’s important to name emotions, and listen sympathetically, so I continue to do so, even if occasionally my kid “rejects” it. I don’t push it once they get upset, but I don’t stop sympathizing in fear that they’ll explode. Because often, once they have calmed down, they will acknowledge the feeling or explain why they were mad.

I also like to use the strategy of fantasizing when reflective listening, so, “I bet that’s so frustrating that we don’t have time to play a board game. I wish we had more hours in the day to play.” It really helps diffuse the situation and let them know I’m on their side.

Never Ask Twice

When I first learned this strategy, I was all about doing all the steps exactly as the author writes. And I truly do think it helps. When I remember (which is way more than I used to- I was definitely a “shout an instruction from the kitchen” person), I make sure to go to my kid before making the request.

Often, they are reading, and rather than standing and waiting (because I could be there all day), I will say, “Kiddo, can you please look at me?” Usually they will, and if they don’t after a minute, I gently put my hand over the page to interrupt the reading. This sounds rude, but I stay calm and kind. Sometimes if I’m not right in front of them (still in the room, but the other side of it), I’ll knock on the wall (normally, not intensely) because they almost always look up at that.

I usually just tell them what to do, but don’t ask them to repeat it back. I have before, but lately I’ve been dropping that step because it’s usually the same requests I’m making daily (please take a shower, time to vacuum the kitchen, etc.). If it’s a complicated or unusual request, I might ask them to repeat it back to me.

Consequences

Phew, this is a loaded one. We’ve been across the board with consequences. We do a lot of choices, as the author mentions. I’ve also learned to allow the kids to experience and let out their emotions during a tantrum rather than trying to stop it right away.  “Big kid” tantrums are different, but it’s the same concept: I can’t make progress on problem solving, or discussing the situation until they get their feelings out and calm down.

We do use Action Replays and have for a while. They are probably my favorite consequence, because they acknowledge there was misbehavior, but don’t punish. My kids resist it, dragging their feet and complaining, but they know now I’ll stand and wait until they do it.

(Side note: that’s a skill this book has taught me. I do a lot of waiting and calmly saying things like, “I’ll wait until you’re ready to X.” It works! They know I won’t engage with them until they do X, and they’d rather get it over with than not have me listen to their story or play with them or get them a snack, etc.)

As often as I can, I’ll have them physically act out the situation in the same place, but sometimes it just has to be a conversation where we pretend like we’re doing the same thing.

My kids are a bit old now for the Sit Apart. A couple years ago when I first read this book, I tried to implement the sit apart and I used it fairly consistently. However, it was hard to get them to stay in one place, with or without me. It was usually a fight, it would get interrupted when they tried to leave or play with their sibling, etc. It never felt quite worth it to me; it didn’t seem like they took away anything from it, and it often made us both more frustrated.

The author is right that consistency is key. This is one I struggle with, as one of my kid is good at finding the loopholes in every rule. But I aim to be consistent because when I am, I notice less reluctance to follow the rules.

Rewards

We’ve used a bunch of different rewards (see Personal Experience from the Kadzin Method). Right now our kids don’t earn an allowance, but I would like to do that in the future.

We had them earning screen time for awhile, but it got difficult to keep track of their compliance for each quarter (turns out we ask our kids a LOT of things during the day, and it’s tough for them to be 100% compliant).

I do like doing random rewards, thought I haven’t for awhile. I’ve had times when they are playing really well and I’ll join in for awhile. Just like there are “natural consequences,” I think there are a lot of “natural rewards,” too, like playing extra with kids, praising them, hugs etc.

If you like what you’ve read here and in the Summary, I recommend buying the book. Here it is on Amazon or Bookshop.org.