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If you’re short on time, try the Quick Look. Check out my Personal Experience to see what worked for me from this book. Also, to see lots of sample language and scenarios, check out the Examples page.

This book focuses on positive attention, which makes our kids proud and confident. Many parents use negative attention (nagging, yelling, repeating, threatening, punishing), which can make kids resent us, resist further to test us, get angrier, or shut down and feel they can’t do anything right.

At the end of the book, the author describes the strategies as positive, firm, and consistent. Positive, because the author’s strategies focus on the good things your child is doing and ask the parent to stay calm and friendly. While not easy to do, it makes parenting much easier (see longer version for tips on how to stay calm). Firm refers to parents staying steadfast in their values, and communicating and modeling those to their kids. And consistent because it is extremely important that parents (both, if there are two) be consistent in their rules and in using these strategies and following through on all the steps.

There’s also a focus on teaching kids cooperation and self-reliance. Cooperation is extra important because without it, it’s hard to achieve other habits and values. As for self-reliance, it may feel easier to do tasks for our kids, but we should train them to do things for themselves as an investment in the long run. It also develops positive traits: independence, responsibility, perseverance, etc.

Strategies

The author strategically lists the strategies in the order I list below. She recommends parents start using the strategies in this order, and practice them for two weeks before moving on to the next. And don’t forget to keep using the previous strategies in combination with the new ones.

There are also several examples in the Examples section, which are helpful in understanding what the strategies look like in everyday life. If you want to know what worked for me in this book, check out the Personal Experience section.

Descriptive Praise:

• Descriptive Praise is a strategy we can use often and daily. Descriptive praising is when parents specifically describe the positive things their children are doing.

• Superlative praise- “Awesome!” “Great job!”- is vague, exaggerated, and should be avoided. It doesn’t say what the parents specifically liked.

• Descriptive Praise allows you to praise small steps toward the right behavior. For instance, “You stepped around that book instead of stepping on it.” (Ideally, you’d like your child to pick up the book).

• You can praise neutral or even the lack of undesired behavior. For example, if a child is arguing but stopped yelling: “you stopped yelling. Now you are using a respectful voice to ask me that.” Or, ““I see you are standing up. You are getting ready to go upstairs.”

• Descriptive Praise helps kids learn how to earn more positive attention and motivates them to keep earning it.

• Descriptive Praise can communicate our values. You can mention positive qualities that your kids demonstrate, such as, ““you were so patient when you waited for that toddler to finish on the slide before going down.”

• When coming up with Descriptive Praise, try starting sentence with “I notice…” or “you…”

See Sample Language for more examples.

Think-throughs:

• Think-throughs are a strategy parents can use to help their kids understand and remember household rules and behavioral expectations.

• It consists of a short back and forth during which the parent asks specific questions (using who/what/where/when/why/how) about a rule/behavior, and the child answers in his own words.

• This helps the child visualize and remember what behavior is expected of him.

• Parents should descriptively praise during this conversation.

• Think-throughs should take no longer than one minute, and you ideally do them multiple times a day, for a week or so, until you see improvement.  

• You can also break the think-through up into two parts if you think it will take longer than a minute. For instance, if you are taking about a new rule that has multiple parts to it.

• Parents should do them at a neutral time when no one is upset.

• Think-throughs are a good way to establish new rules or change existing rules. You can start with “The new rule is…” You don’t need to explain yourself when making new rules. Acknowledge your child’s feelings, and ask them why they think this rule is being put into place.

• Parents may be surprised how few clear rules they actually have. So take time to sit down with your partner and discuss which rules to implement or clarify and commit to consistency so the rules don’t slip.

Here is an example with the parents’ question, “What should you do with your backpack after school?”

Kid: “Put it in my room.”

Parent: “You know your backpack goes in your room, that is part of the rule. Where in your room should it go?”

Kid: “Next to my desk.”

Parent: “I can tell you remember the whole rule. What if you want to go tell Daddy something right away, as soon as you walk in the door?”

Kid: “I need to put away my backpack first.”

Parent: “That would be very responsible of you. And why should you put your backpack in your room right when you get home?”

Kid: Pauses. “I don’t know.”

Parent: “Take a reasonable guess.”

Kid: “Because otherwise someone might trip over it?”

Parent: “Yes, that could happen. You are thinking about taking care of your things.”

 Read more examples, including a think-through interrupted by misbehavior, here.

 Preparing for Success:

• Along with think-throughs, the author suggests setting kids up for success by physically moving things around to make the environment conductive to good behavior. For example, putting the supplies your child needs to do her homework right at her desk.

• You can also make visual reminders of rules, like charts and lists to hang up and point too rather than reminding over and over.

• Be realistic, especially about time, when you make plans. Kids take longer than you think, especially factoring in any resistance. Plan the day so you can move at a natural pace, plus a bumper of time in case of an upset. It’s easier for all parties to stay calm when they aren’t rushed.

• Think of “quality over quantity” when it comes to daily activities, such as extracurriculars.

• Special Time:

  • Special time is when a kid and parent do an activity they both like, one-on-one, daily for at least 10 minutes. This should not be in front of a screen or cost money. Each sibling should have his own special time.

  • Special time gives kids’ attention, so they are less likely to see attention in other negative ways. It also strengthens the parent-kid relationship.

  • You can involve your child in adult activities for special time, like cooking, errands, paying bills, etc. It teaches kids life skills, checks off your to-do list, and provides special time for kids.

  • If you are having trouble fitting it in, try staggering sibling bedtimes, talking at dinner, using car time to talk, and using nap time of one sibling to play with another.

United Front:

• This strategy refers to both parents being on the same page about rules and routines and parenting strategies. Kids need consistency.

• Partners should try not to argue in front of kids. Instead, they should sit down regularly to discuss rules and parenting.

• Partners should back each other up, to communicate that the rules are important.

• Partners can have regular Solution Talks, which are 15-minute sessions in which parents can discuss solutions for a problem. Time should be spent only on discussing solutions, and then parents can enact solutions that don’t contradict each other.

Reflective Listening:

• When kids misbehave, parents often focus on the action rather than the feelings underneath.

• Reflective Listening is when parents reflect back how they imagine their kids might be feeling.

• This can help kids move through intense feelings quicker, while also teaching them emotional intelligence so they can express themselves rather than misbehave.

• How to do it?

  • First, parents should put aside their own emotions and remain calm.

  • Next, stop what they are doing, look at their kid and listen. Listen to your child’s words and body language.

  • Lastly, say what you think your child is feeling. Do not assume you know; say things like, “I imagine you are frustrated,” or “It seems like you are nervous.”

• Don’t use your child’s own words. Don’t add “but” to the end of the sentence (“I bet you are sad that you have to share your toy, but that’s the kind thing to do.”)

• Don’t use the word “unfair” or “hate.” Most kids use the word unfair correctly. And hate feels permanent, though feelings are temporary.

• An optional addition to Reflective Listening is granting your child’s wishes in fantasy. It lightens the mood, and shows we are on their side. For example, “Wouldn’t it be great if we had a robot maid to clean your room!”   

• It’s helpful to pair Reflective Listening with think-throughs, like when you introduce a new rule and your child reacts with anger.

• Example: “I bet it’s hard to clean up those stuffies, when you spent such a long time setting them up for a tea party.”

Read more examples in Sample Language section.

Never Ask Twice:

               This is a strategy to use when you want to get your child to stop doing one thing and start doing another. Do not use these six steps while you kid is in front of a screen, or when you don’t have sufficient time to follow through with all steps.

1. Stop what you’re doing, stand in front of your child, and look at him. This sends the message that it’s important. Stay positive and calm so this step isn’t intimidating.

2. Wait until your child stops and looks at you. This ensures you have your child’s attention. You can Descriptively Praise while you wait.

3. Give the instruction clearly, simply, and one time. Do not repeat yourself. You know your child heard because he was looking at you. Stop talking if your child’s attention wanders, and don’t resume until he’s looking at you again. Many kids cooperate after just these three steps.

4. Ask your child to repeat the instruction back in his own words. This makes your child take ownership of the expected behavior. Ask her to take a reasonable guess if she says, “I don’t know.”

5. Wait. This shows you are taking the situation seriously.

6. Descriptively Praise every step in the right direction. Reflectively Listen to how your kid might feel.

Consequences:

• The best way to stop misbehavior is to prevent it, hence the previous strategies that work on motivating and helping kids behave better.

• When it comes to reactions to misbehavior, much of what parents do doesn’t work: shouting, ignoring/giving in, repeating, threatening, negotiating, etc.

• What does work is being friendly, remembering to use Descriptive Praise, offering alternatives or choices (“do you want to clean up the Legos or the cards first?”), empathizing, giving clues to the correct behavior, phrasing things positively (“use a quieter voice” instead of “stop yelling”), and modeling the behavior yourself.

• It is vital to follow through by taking action (take away an object/remove your child from a situation) if you give your child an instruction and she doesn’t listen.

• Some strategies to lessen tantrums include:

  • Doing think-throughs about your child being flexible and about what to do when they are angry (take deep breaths, do jumping jacks, walk away, etc.)

  • Finding different ways to say “no,” such as “you can have a cookie after dinner” instead of “no, you can’t have a cookie right now.”

  • Thinking about if you’ll change your mind before you decide to say “no.” You can always say, “I’ll let you know in a couple minutes when I’ve decided.”

• To deal with a tantrum:

  • Stay calm and sit nearby your child. Offer a hug, but don’t talk until he has calmed down.

  • Let your child have his feelings. When there’s a pause, insert Descriptive Praise (“You stopped yelling”) or Reflective Listening (“You seem mad that…”).

  • After the tantrum, ensure your child follows through with what he was told to do. If the tantrum is physical, before these steps take action to make sure he can’t hurt people or property.

  • If you’d like your child to apologize, require a full sentence: “I’m sorry for kicking my toys.” Also have him make amends by cleaning up a mess he made, etc.

• For consequences, Action Replays are a short, effective consequence that consists of replaying the situation with your child doing the right thing this time. Do this immediately after the bad behavior when things have calmed. If your child refuses, tell her you’ll wait, and don’t do anything else with her until she’s ready to do the action replay.

• Another consequence is a Sit Apart, during which your child has to sit in one place. It’s like a time out, but the child stays in the same room as you. You can Descriptively Praise or Reflectively Listen to her but don’t answer questions or talk about anything else. Do one minute for each year of her age. Use a timer. If she refuses, either keep putting her back (if she’s little) or let her know nothing else happens until she complies (if she’s older).

• When using new consequences, remember kids will test you because they don’t know if you’ll be consistent this time. Misbehavior thrives on inconsistency. It sounds obvious, but remember that kids aren’t supposed to behave perfectly, and a parent’s job is to teach them and train them. The best way to achieve this is by staying calm and positive and kind.

Rewards:

• Use rewards as a sweetener to help motivate better behavior.

• They should be daily, free, and easily achievable. Descriptive Praise, smiling, and physical affection all count. Other ideas are extra books at bedtime, board game with a parent, sleeping in the family room, etc.

• You can also have kids earn things that they already take for granted, like screen time. Rather than threatening to take away screen time, this strategy shifts the focus to doing her tasks on time so she earns screen time.

• The author also recommends having kids earn allowance to become more responsible and appreciative.

• If he doesn’t earn a reward, sound disappointed (not angry), so he sees you’re on his side.

• You can surprise your child with a reward he isn’t expecting. Don’t use food as a reward.

Strategies in Daily Life

               In the second section, the author applies the strategies to times of the day where misbehavior often crops up: getting ready for the day, mealtimes, sibling rivalry, bedtime, etc. She recommends picking two of these areas and applying the parenting strategies you’ve learned. She also includes some other tips/suggestions for each area in the full book.

For any troubleshooting using the following questions:

1.)    Preparing for Success: Is there a United Front/agreement between partners on the rules and routines of the house? What think-throughs should you do? Can you prepare the environment to help? Do you need to plan the day more realistically? Are you doing Special Time?

2.)    Descriptive Praise: What can you praise? When? Think of some phrases to use.

3.)    Reflective Listening: What emotions might your kid be feeling and how can you address them?

4.)    Never Ask Twice: Are you repeating and reminding?

5.)    Rewards/Consequences: Would a reward help? Are you doing action replays?

Conclusion

               You don’t need to believe these strategies will work; just try them for yourself and watch the results. Sometimes parents initially see a great transformation, but then fall back into old habits and patterns, which makes kids fall back into their misbehaviors and resistance. Every day is a new day; just start again with the strategies and don’t give up. The author sums up the strategies as positive (friendly), firm (stick to your values) and consistent.

As well as going into much more detail and offering a ton of examples, the full book has Q&A sections throughout which are very helpful for answering common questions that may come up when practicing these strategies. There are also tips for each of the common problem areas, like meals and bedtime. I benefited a lot from this book, so I highly recommend picking it up if you like what you’ve read in the summary.

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