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Here are examples of sample language that show what it looks like to use the strategies in Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting by Noel Janis-Norton.

If you haven’t yet, I strongly recommend reading the Summary along with these examples, or at least the Quick Look. If you’d like to hear how these strategies have actually played out with my kids, head over to the Personal Experience section.

Descriptive Praise:

“You have been coloring together for ten minutes, and you’ve shared the markers the whole time!”

“You stepped around that book instead of stepping on it.” (Praising a small step rather than full compliance; ideally, you’d like your child to pick up the book).

“I heard you both shouting, you must be really angry. But you are both using your words and not hitting each other. You are following the rules.”

“I heard you compromise and decide to play a game you both agree on. I am so proud of you for problem solving on your own.”

“So far, every day this week you’ve gotten out of bed when your alarm rings. It makes the morning much more enjoyable when we aren’t rushing around.”

“You came down to breakfast already dressed! I didn’t have to remind you if our new rule to get dressed before breakfast.”

“I only had to ask once for you to go brush your teeth, even though you were having fun playing. That’s so helpful.”

“You made your bed this morning. Look how neatly your stuffed animals are lined up behind your pillow!”

“I saw how you put away your laundry after folding it. That was so responsible, doing the whole task from beginning to end.”

“You seem angry that your sister gets a playdate after school and you don’t, but you’ve stopped yelling and you didn’t stomp around or throw anything. You are learning self-control.” (Reflective Listening + Descriptive Praise).

“It’s nice to have dinner with everyone when no one is kicking or touching each other.”

“You are picking up all the figurines even though your sister isn’t helping you. That’s being flexible, and setting a good example for her.”

“You’ve spent the last 15 minutes building Legos, and even when the timer went off, you still kept building. I’m so happy to see you having fun playing by yourself. Will you show me what you’ve made?”

“It makes me feel good when you try the foods I cooked, and don’t make a face or say ‘Yuck!’ if you don’t like it. Thank you!”

“You turned the Nintendo off right when you heard the timer! That takes a lot of self-control to not try and squeak in another short game.”

“It’s so much easier to have a friendly conversation about your homework. You aren’t complaining or using a rude voice.”

“You remembered the rule of no potty talk at dinner! That takes self-control.”

“It is so pleasant to be around you two when you aren’t fighting with each other. It makes me want to join in and play!”

“It’s hard on such a beautiful day to come inside and do homework. But you remembered the rule about our 5 o’clock homework time, and now you’re getting right to work. That is very responsible.” (Combination of Reflective Listening + Descriptive Praise).

“I see you remembered to use a period after most of your sentences. You are learning and paying attention to details.”

Reflective Listening:

“It can be hard to get out of bed when you’re warm and cozy under your blankets.”

“Wouldn’t it be cool if we had a robot to clean up after us!”

“It must be hard to clean up those stuffies, when you spent such a long time setting them up for a tea party.”

“Maybe you’re nervous that you won’t be able to swim as well as your friends.”

“He just broke apart the puzzle you worked so hard on. That is so frustrating!”

“I bet you wish you could have another snack before dinner. It’s hard to wait until the food is ready.”

“It can be frustrating when Dad and I make new rules. I used to walk the dog every day, and you may feel annoyed that you have to do it now. Maybe you wish you we could go back to how it was before.”

“It doesn’t feel good when you get snow in your boot, but you didn’t start yelling or throw off your boot. You showed self-control, and you asked me to help you.” (Combination of Reflective Listening + Descriptive Praise).

“Maybe you wish there wasn’t sauce on the pasta, and you feel disappointed.”

“You really want to play soccer with me. Maybe you’re frustrated that you have to wait until after alone time to play soccer together.”

“It probably hurts your feelings when your sister shuts the door of her room and won’t let you in.”

“Wouldn’t it be great if there were more hours in the day, and we could play for a long time before having to go to swim class?”

“It must be really hard to adjust to our new screen time rules. You were used to playing more video games each day, so this is a big change.”

“It’s probably annoying when I ask you something while you’re playing a video game, but you answered me and you didn’t yell.” (Combination of Reflective Listening + Descriptive Praise).

“Maybe you’re not sure how to start the essay, and that can be a frustrating way to start off your homework time.”

“Wouldn’t it be great if we automatically wrote every letter the right way, without having to keep practicing?”

Think-throughs:

Parent: “If you don’t like some food on your plate, what should you do?”

Kid: “I don’t want to talk about this; can we play?”

P: “You really want to play, and I’d love to play also, but we need to talk about this first.”

K: “Ugh, okay. I shouldn’t put it on my sister’s plate.”

P: “That’s true, you shouldn’t. You are thinking about the rule. Where should you put the food you don’t like?”

K: “To the side.”

P: “Yes, to the side. Should you keep it on your plate?”

K: “Yes.”

P: “Why should you keep it on the side of your plate?”

K: “Because it’s messy when I put it on the table?”

P: “That’s right, it makes a mess when you push food onto the table.  It also is rude to push food off your plate. You answered my questions without any more complaints, and now we can play!”

 *****

Parent: “What should you do instead of hitting when you are mad at your brother?”

Kid: “I shouldn’t hit him.”

P: “Yes, that’s right, you shouldn’t hit or push or kick. So, what can you do?”

K: “I could find you and tell you so you make him stop.”

P: “You could come and find me, that would be better than hitting. And walking away from a fight with your brother is a good idea, whether you find me or not. But what if I’m not around, and you are super angry in that moment?”

K: “I could yell at him?”

P: “That would be better than hitting him. What else could you do?”

K: “I could hit the sofa. Or a stuffy!”

P: “Yes, I bet it would help you get some of that anger out to hit the sofa or a stuffed animal. You just came up with three different ideas for when you are mad at your brother. I’m so proud of you!”

 *****

Parent: “Sometimes Dad and I have you and Christine set the table and clear the plates, but sometimes we forget and do it ourselves. It’s time to start remembering every day, so we came up with a rule that will help with that. It’s not my job or Dad’s job to set and clear the table. Whose job is it?

Kid: “Mine and Christine. But what if we forget?”

P: “Well, we hope this new rule will make it easier to remember. And we will have more think-throughs to remind you. Starting Monday, you will set the table on even days and clear the table on odd days, and Christine will do the opposite.

K: “What if Christine forgets?”

P: “Your Dad and I will work with her, you only have to worry about your job. So, what will you do on even numbered days?”

K: “I think set the table?”

P: “Correct. You must have been paying attention. What will you do on odd numbered days?”

K: “Clear the table.”

P: “Right again.”

K: “But wait. What about when Christine is at soccer on Wednesdays? If I don’t have to do her job, then you or Dad will. That’s not fair!”

P: “You’re right, Dad or I will have to do Christine’s job when she’s at soccer. But if you’d like to earn extra allowance, you could do her job.”

K: “Fine. But if I have a playdate or something one day, you and Dad have to do my job!”

P: “Yes, or Christine could do it and earn extra allowance.”

Example of think-through broken into two parts due to behavior

Part 1:

Parent: “The new rule is, starting Monday, you have to do your homework and chores in order to earn your screen time.”

Child: “What?!”

Parent: “You probably are angry about this rule, because for so long you’ve been able to do your allotted screen time whenever you wanted to. I know you love to watch TV as soon as you get home from school.”

Child: “It helps me relax! I need a break when I get home! I can’t just come home and start doing chores!”

Parent: “It must be frustrating to have a long day at school and not be able to come home and do what you want.”

Child: “So why are you making this stupid rule then? None of my friends have this stupid rule.”

Parents: “I can tell by your words that you are still angry, but you aren’t yelling anymore. I can help you think of other ways to relax when you come home from school.”

Child: “I don’t want to use one of your dumb strategies to relax.”

Parent: “You are really upset. I’ll wait until you are ready to tell me the new rule.”

Child: “I’m never going to, because it’s dumb and I won’t do it!”

Parent: “I can see you aren’t ready to talk about the new rule anymore. I’ll ask you later.”

Part 2:

Parent: “You found a book to read. You seem much calmer. Are you ready to tell me the new rule we discussed?”

Child: “No.”

Parent: (waits, with a smile)

Child: Ok fine, no screen time until I do my chores. But what if I have a ton of homework and I need a break in between?

Parent: As I mentioned, we could come up with some fun things to do during a homework or chore break that aren’t on a screen.

Child: “But then I’ll run out of time for screen time!”

Parent: “That could happen, and you probably would feel upset. But I bet that the next day, you’d figure out how to finish your chores and homework in enough time!”

Child: (Makes a face).

Parent: I see that you are still frustrated, but you told me the new rule. When will it start?

Child: Monday?

Parent: You remembered, that’s right.

Child: Well at least Jamie (sister) won’t be able to play her dumb iPad game after school either.

Parent: That’s right, and I’m glad you are thinking about how things will be with the new rule. 

Of course, there are a lot more examples and sample language in the actual book, so if you like what you read, I suggest you pick up a copy.

You can buy it on Amazon or Bookshop.org.