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If you don’t have much time, check out the Quick Look. You can also check out my Personal Experience with this method.

The author Jamie Glowacki is a social worker who has worked with many families around potty training and parenting. In the introduction, she explains that every child reacts differently to potty training, and you don’t know how your kid will react until you try. On average, it takes 3-7 days of potty training for kids to catch on. What’s important is making progress, no matter the speed.

 General Potty Training Info

•  Families should be consistent with the words they use during potty training. Pick something (like pee and poop) and stick with it.

•  Many parents think that kids will naturally potty train on their own, but it is a social skill that needs to be taught.

•  Remember that wearing a diaper is all your child knows, and it is reassuring to her. Having no diaper probably feels odd, so the parent must help their child to transition to using the potty.

• Commitment and consistency is important

  • There is no middle ground when it comes to potty training; you either commit and do it, or not.

  • You must resolve to be consistent, so your child gets the repetition he needs to learn this new skill. Kids thrive on consistency; it feels safe for them to know what’s coming next and feel ready for it.

  • If you have been inconsistent with potty training in the past, make it a priority. Being laid back and inconsistent sends mixed messages to your kid. It teaches them that potty training means occasionally using the potty.

• As a parent, you must be firm, meaning you are in charge. This doesn’t mean being aggressive or mean.

• Parents will often say they are waiting for their child to be “ready” to potty train…

  • …but parents make decisions for toddlers in most areas of their lives, because they don’t have the experience and development that adults do. (Many parents say kids will be ready around age three, but by that age kids start realizing they have free will, and often time their choices don’t match parents’ desires.)

  • No matter when you potty train your child, it will require work on your part. And it is extremely rare to have a child get up one day and want to consistency use the potty.

  • Instead of asking the question, “is my kid ready?” ask “is my kid able to do X?” Some kids may show signs of being capable, but we don’t notice.

  • Interest in potty training isn’t going to increase the longer you wait; if a child will sit on the potty occasionally, you should seize the moment, not wait until she wants to sit on the potty daily.

•  For parents who worry about “forcing” their kids to potty train, remember kids often have to be pushed (not aggressively) to learn new skills.

  • With regards to potty training, kids don’t have motivation to change because they don’t see the benefit.

  • Pushing isn’t harsh; it can mean simply following through on things even if your kid doesn’t want to in the moment.

  • When we push our kids to try new things and develop new skills, it may be hard at first, but it makes them feel proud in the end.

•  Boys aren’t harder to potty train than girls. And, boys can pee anywhere so they may actually be easier to potty train. Have boys sit down to pee when you start potty training. They can stand when they are tall enough that their penis is over the toilet bowl.

•  You should potty train for peeing and pooping at the same time. There is a whole chapter devoted to potty training for pooping because it tends to be more difficult, but for reasons that won’t be helped by isolating it as a separate type of potty training.

• Lots of parents put out a potty chair hoping it will encourage potty training. It usually just ends up getting played with. If you put the potty chair out, you need to be committed to having your child use it consistently.

• Prepare for accidents.

  • Carry around a change of clothes.

  • Accidents often happen when parents forget to prompt their kids or don’t pay attention to the signs that their kids have to go potty. Accidents in the first week are learning opportunities.

•  When a toddler has a big change in his life, they will sometimes go backwards in behavior. However, this usually means having more accidents.

• Don’t delay potty training because a new sibling is on the way; you’ll have more work with a new baby, and it’s harder to start from scratch than to work through some regression.

Potty Training Prep

• Let go of any expectation of how long it will take to potty train. Having specific expectations- about the length of potty training or things-  can inject tension into the process that your kid will pick up on.

• Pick a time when you and your partner can drop other responsibilities and give full attention to potty training. Put it on the calendar.

• If you don’t already have one, buy a potty chair. If you do have one, put it away unless it’s being used correctly (only to pee and poop).

• Don’t plan anything the week after potty training starts. Going out puts pressure on both you and your child while you are still working out potty training. (If you and your partner work, there is a chapter devoted to potty training and child care.)

• A week before you begin, introduce the idea of getting rid of diapers. Be straightforward and relaxed: “On X day, we’re throwing out the diapers.” You might also start pointing out and mentioning things your child does that make him/her a “big boy/girl.”

• Make sure you and your kid get enough sleep.

• Encourage independence by having kids get dressed by themselves or do a small chore.

• Make sure both parents (if there are two parents) are on board with potty training, and being consistent in the way they approach it.

• If you are nursing, it’s a bit harder to monitor fluid intake. Don’t attempt to wean around the same time as potty training.

• Stick to non-carpeted areas for easier clean up.

 When to Start

• When you potty train is more important than the strategy you use. It is easiest to do between 20-30 months, and easier before 20 months than after 30 months.

• A child at 30 months starts to exert her independence and uses her free will as a power to fight against what parents want. When it comes to potty training, your child holds the power because she can decide to pee on the potty or not.

• At 24 months, you have a window of opportunity where your child wants to please you and be helpful. Kids learn quickly at this age, and are capable of a lot, including potty training. It will also give her self-respect.

• The chances of your child being a bed wetter greatly increase when he isn’t fully potty trained by 4.

• Some markers of kids being ready to potty train include: going somewhere private to poop (she’s learned to associate embarrassment with pooping in public), singing the ABCs (she can learn through repetition) and having the ability to communicate, whether that’s asking for something she needs, or yelling and crying when she doesn’t get her way (she knows what her body needs).

• You must go into potty training with determination and confidence that your child is capable of it. Kids are sensitive and pick up on nonverbal cues, so if you are unsure or doubtful it’ll work, he will also feel unsure.

• Remember that potty training is a developmental milestone you are guiding your child through. Stay relaxed.

How

             Before potty training, your child isn’t aware of when she is going or has to go potty. The underlying idea behind potty training is that you are teaching your child awareness of this process, so that she ends with understanding how it feels when she has to go pee or poop. Take the process in steps, so if something goes wrong you can pinpoint at which step it fell apart. Each step can take multiple days. Also keep in mind that even if it feels like everything is going wrong, it can change quickly.

 Step 1

*The author breaks it down into multiple “blocks;” for ease, I am going to simplify these into three major steps.

• On the first day, tell your child that she won’t be wearing diapers anymore, and that she will pee and poop on the potty chair. Use a calm and clear voice, and make it a statement, not a question.

• Keep your child naked, or at least without pants. This is so you can catch when your child starts peeing as soon as possible.

• Have your kid drink a bit extra so that they have lots of opportunities to practice. (But if they are under 24 months old, have them drink normally).

• Spend the whole day observing your child and helping her get to the potty. Put chores aside and stay with your kid continually. This can be a great opportunity for bonding.

• When your kid starts to pee, calmly (not rushed or anxiously) carry her to the potty. It’s ok if some pee gets on the floor. You can celebrate with enthusiasm, or just give verbal praise: “You peed on the potty. Great!”

• As the day proceeds, try to notice the signs of when your kid has to pee: a slight break in play, looking at you with big eyes, clenching his bottom, etc. If you are having trouble finding the signal, pay extra attention once you’ve established the general time of when your kid needs to pee. Also remember to look at your entire child; it isn’t always the obvious wiggling or grabbing the genital area.

• Don’t ask if she needs to pee; rather, tell her when it’s time to pee. You can do this when she shows signs of imminent peeing, or every so often (but not too much, or she may have a harder time picking up on how it feels to have to pee).  

• During nap time, tell your child that you’ll be using a diaper because it’s hard to get up to pee while sleeping, but will take it off right after. You’ll say the same thing for bedtime.

• The signs that your child needs to poop may be different, and could may involve your child going somewhere private. Sit and read with your child when she needs to poop. It may take awhile.

• Some kids will hold their poop in for the first couple days of potty training. Some kids may hold it for a while. This is normal. Stay calm, or you may make it worse.

• Lots of kids like to dump the poop or pee out into the big toilet, followed by praise.

• When your kid has an accident and you don’t catch it right in that moment by picking them up to bring them to the potty, let them know (in a clear and calm way) that pee/poop doesn’t belong on the floor, but rather in the potty. You can have them help you clean it up.  If you say something like, “it’s alright,” it is confusing to kids who are still learning the expectations of potty training. You can be clear, without being mean, that it is not okay to pee or poop on the floor.

• At the beginning, some kids may keep freely peeing on the floor without noticing. They just need more time. Some kids may pee on the floor and act like they didn’t notice. They need to be reminded that pee goes in the potty.

• If you are watching your kid well, but pee until the one moment you have to attend to something else, that actually could be a good sign that they are learning to hold their pee until they have privacy. You could put them on the potty before walking away to do something.

• If you are having trouble getting your kid to sit for long enough on the potty, try reading, counting, or singing with them. Just don’t work too hard to get them on the potty or they’ll expect it every time.

• If your kid is afraid of the potty, acknowledge the fear (“I bet it feels different and maybe odd”) and move onto reassuring her that it can’t hurt her. You could put toys on it, let her look up close or sit on it without peeing. Most kids aren’t truly afraid; they are just resisting.

• The basic goal for day 1 is for the parent to get a feel for when their kid needs to pee, and for the kid to raise their awareness of feeling like they have to pee and getting to the potty. Parents also are learning whether their kid pees frequently or holds it for a long time.

• If you feel like the first day (or days) was a disaster, think back on the day and any changes you could make. Were you distracted and missing your kid’s signs? Were you reacting emotionally when pee got on the floor?

Step 2

• The next step of training is to add clothes, without underwear. Only move to this step when the child is using the potty consistently, whether on her own or prompted by you. It takes roughly 1-3 days to get to this step. Don’t rush the process, or it can undermine progress.

• Underwear feels too much like a diaper, so potty training kids may be more likely to have accidents in underwear.

• Use pants or dresses that are easy to pull down or up when it’s time to use the potty. Elastic waistbands on pants are ideal. Practice to ensure your kid can pull down their pants/pull up their dress quickly.

• Don’t use pull-ups; they are basically diapers, which sends the wrong message to potty training kids.

• After a couple weeks, kids may be ready for underwear, but proceed with caution. It’s ok to go back to no underwear if you try and it doesn’t work.

• During this step, also try to go out of the house for small periods of time, like walking to the park or post office. Time it for when you know your child probably won’t have to pee. This can be a confidence boost to the child who is still having a lot of accidents.

• Keep using diapers for naptime and bedtime (unless you are nighttime training all at once; more info on that below).

• Some parents find it helpful to keep a wide mouth container in the car or in the bathroom for their kids to use on road trips or baths.

• If your child says no when you prompt him to use the potty, he may genuinely not have to pee. You can ask him to tell you when he has to go and keep an eye out. You could also ask him to try. If he’s focused on something, you could bring the toy with him or playfully talk to the toy to ask them to wait.

• When you prompt- ask your kid to pee- use simple words that capture what he needs to do in order: go to the potty, pull down your pants, sit down and pee. Don’t prompt too often (no more than once every 30 minutes) because it can make a kid resist. Don’t beg; you are kindly and calmly telling him to pee. Don’t linger and stare, but rather give your kid space to get to the potty and pee (unless she is under 24 months and needs additional help).

• Prompt when you see signals that he has to pee, or during transition times like before or after going somewhere, first thing in the morning and last thing before bed, etc. You can add prompts to a list of other things: “it’s time to go to the library. Let’s go potty and grab our books.”

• Resist the urge to talk too much about potty training. Kids need space to develop their own self-talk which helps them imbibe the information.

• If your child throws a tantrum when you prompt her to go pee, don’t give her attention. Walk away.

• Sometimes kids use the need to pee as a reason to delay bedtime. It gives them a new power over their parents, and it can be fun for them. You can set a certain limit of potty visits before lights out, then calmy say goodnight and walk away after the kid has gone potty for the last time. Even if the kid yells out again that he has to pee, you can calmly ask them to hold it until morning, and say goodnight. If the kid is already nighttime trained, you can put the potty by the bed and let them know they can get up and use it if need be. The most important thing is to not to show that you are upset or anxious or mad.

• When it comes to power struggles with potty training, the best thing parents can do is give up the need for control. Similar to the tantrum situation, you can give a prompt and walk away. The more you engage, the more drama will follow.

• This step is the hardest. There may be more push back. Push back doesn’t mean your child is not ready to potty train. One of the most common reasons kids push back is being their parent is prompting too much.

Step 3

• Try longer outings. Wait until your kid pees before leaving, whether it happens naturally or you prompt it. Consider bringing the potty chair in the car.

• At this step, start handing some control of the process over to your kid. If not, he may start refusing to go when you ask. Don’t hover. Try prompting, then walking away and letting him decide.

• When your child does verbalize that he has to pee, get him to a potty immediately. Don’t ask him to wait. If it will take you a minute, at least verbally let him know you are coming ASAP.

• Focus and draw attention to the successes your child is having, not the accidents.

• Even if you have setbacks, don’t bring out the diapers. It is very confusing and is a blow to your kid’s confidence. Stay watchful, and notice if there’s something in your kid’s life that may be changing his behavior.

• When you start using more public restrooms, you could bring sanitizing wipes or travel potty inserts to use. Put a post-it note over the automatic flusher sensor so it won’t flush while your kid is peeing.

• Moving beyond Step 3, about a month or so in, you could introduce using the regular toilet with an insert. Suggest using it as often as the potty chair, but let your kid take the lead.

Nighttime/Naptime

• It is easiest to do nighttime and naptime potty training together with daytime training. This is difficult for many parents, but if possible, it is recommended.

• The main points of nighttime training are cutting off fluids 2-3 hours before your child goes to sleep, and waking your child up to go pee.

• If your kid is used to lots of fluid in the evening, work on changing that habit before you jump into nighttime training.

• Start by waking your child up twice in the middle of the night (try 3-4 hours after they go to sleep, then 3-4 hours later). Play around with the timing to get it right. You are preventing your kid from peeing in bed, but also teaching her to get up if she has to pee.

• Put the potty chair by the bed so you can easily lift/help your child sit on it when you wake her. She will likely still be half asleep, but that’s good. Getting her fully up to go into a bright bathroom could make it hard for her to go right back to sleep.

• As you notice which waking is resulting in more pee, you can cut down to waking once a night. Move back the waking closer and closer to morning, and when you keep having success you can eventually make it all night. Alternatively, your child may start waking herself up to pee.

• Some kids will start to stay dry on their own, and not need the waking method. Night training may be delayed, but don’t wait until past three and a half or you may end up with prolonged bedwetting issues.

• If a child has an accident at night, it is not her fault. Her body is still learning to hold her pee or wake up. If it happens frequently, look at fluid intake before bedtime and your waking times, and change something.

Kids under 20 months

• Use a nonverbal sign to communicate with your kid about when she needs to pee/poop. You should also add a verbal part in case you aren’t together, which could simply be the word pee.

• Your child will need more prompting and more help. It may take longer, but don’t worry as long as there is progress. This may be harder for parents who work. Don’t be afraid to try and then go back to diapers until there is a little more development to make the process potentially quicker.

 Kids 2.5-3 years and over

•  Start right away. Behavioral issues will likely come up, so prepare for that. It can help to walk away after prompting, since hovering can cause more resistance.

• Even if you’d tried potty training before, go back to step 1. This helps solidify the process and can sometimes show where you may have missed something the first time. Make sure you are consistent, even when things feel shaky.

• See the section about parenting for more info about behavioral issues in potty training. If you use a consequence or otherwise address the behavioral issues and don’t see a change, it’s possible your child is constipated.

• Talk to your pediatrician. If the behavioral issues start to feel aggressive and extreme, consider talking to a family therapist.

Poop

• If your child gets in the habit of waiting to poop until naptime or nighttime (assuming she is still wearing diapers for those), its most likely because she is most relaxed when she’s sleeping. As she gets more comfortable with potty training, she’ll start to relax during the day and the problem will be resolved. Starting nighttime training will also put an end to this problem.

• It is much easier for humans to poop in the standing or squatting position. Use books or something else to bring a kid’s legs into more of a squat position when she’s on the potty.

• Before you begin potty training, have your kid come in the bathroom while you poop every so often. This helps them see what pooping on the toilet looks like, and that it’s normal. You can also let them know that at other times, you like privacy when you poop.

• The muscles that hold in and release poop are affected by how a person feels. If a kid (or adult) feels nervous, scared, or shy, it’s physically harder to poop. Kids need parents to be relaxed (both in that moment, and generally in their attitude towards poop), positive, and not hovering. Give your child some privacy while they poop, especially if they are older.

• Diet can play a role in pooping issues, though not usually a big one. Kids need healthy fats, and the author recommends increasing fats before increasing fiber.

• The author suggests that the speed at which we move as a society- including toddlers- is too fast, and creates anxiety. So toddlers cling to the things they know and feel comfortable, like pooping in a diaper. Parents should make sure their families have down time and aren’t always on the move. Don’t overstimulate kids.

• Just like peeing in a diaper, pooping in a diaper is all your kid has known since birth, and it is a huge change to suddenly go in the potty. It may take some time, but the best thing you can do is keep going, be consistent, and don’t allow your kid to have a diaper just to poop in. Acknowledge that is feels weird for your kid to poop in the potty, but reiterate that poop does belong in the potty.

• If your kid keeps pooping on the floor, have her change clothes and maybe get a cloth to wipe the floor after you clean/sanitize it. Make it a project, so she sees that clean up time is eating into her play time. You can also add a small, immediate consequence, like taking away a toy for a couple hours.

• If your kid doesn’t poop for many days, see the doctor, who may recommend a stool softener.

• If your kid seems to have a real fear of using the potty, imagine how you have (or would) address another toddler fear, like a ghost in the closet or a thunderstorm. Maybe you’d check the closet or put a stuffy “guard” inside. For fear of lightning, you might close the blinds or put on music over the noise of thunder. Be creative. You still would have your child sleep in her room despite the fears, just as you need to proceed with using the potty.

 Notes/Special Cases

 Daycare

• First, find out what your daycare’s policy is regarding potty training and what they will and won’t do. Have a conversation with them; ask questions and discuss details. Don’t fight, but rather kindly explain what you are doing and why.

• Try to take a couple days off work when you start potty training. Put an emphasis on the words your child should use when they have to pee. Also focus on when during the day your kid pees, and how often (every hour? Twice in an hour after a meal?) They likely won’t be able to communicate that they have to pee for some time, but you want to sow the seeds so they can tell day care workers.

• If the daycare pushes back on your child not wearing undies, ask what the actual requirement is and see if you can get around it.

•  With your child, identify the bathroom or potty chair, and who your child should ask for help when he has to pee (either verbally or with a sign). Make sure the toy he was using will be set aside for when he comes back. Tell the day care workers what your child does to signal he has to pee (holds himself, hops around, etc.) and when he typically goes to the bathroom.

•  If the daycare makes kids wear diapers until they are fully potty trained, treat it like underwear. Continue to not use diapers at home. Tell your child to let a daycare worker know if he has to pee, and not to go in the diaper.

 Parenting

• Extrapolating from potty training to general parenting, the author believes that having routines and rules is immensely helpful for young children. You can give kids independence and freedom to chose certain things, but it needs to be within boundaries. The parent should be in charge.

• The author doesn’t give specific parenting advice on how to deal with a child who refuses to sit on the potty, but says parents should think about what they’d do if their child refused another mandatory activity, like getting into the car or going to their room at bedtime.

• Being firm and consistent doesn’t mean you will scare your child away from the potty.

• Be simple and direct. You don’t need to lecture or overexplain.

• If you are dealing with a power struggle, don’t react to your kid’s accidents or whining or tantrums or any negative behavior. This takes away his motivation for misbehaving. Don’t forget to positively reinforce any good behavior, and show love.

• The behavioral issues you are dealing with in other aspects will likely come up in potty training, so be prepared and have a plan for tantrums, complaining, refusing, etc.  

• As mentioned before, the one option the author does give is having a small immediate consequence for not using the potty, like taking away a toy for a bit (not all day). Parents should use this when they feel the resistance is behavioral, not because a child is clueless. For most kids who have used the potty at least a couple times, it’s behavioral. The author is not a fan of rewards for potty training, since it is an expected behavior, not an exceptional one. If you started using rewards, you can just stop.

Reset

• For kids under 3, parents have the option to take a break if they feel like they’ve hit a rut or they are overly stressed out. A parent who is falling apart will not be able to potty train well, so it’s better to take a break that continue if you’ve hit a breaking point. You can only do it once, and ideally it will last a couple weeks to a month.

•  Do not reintroduce diapers in the middle of a fight. That will only reinforce your kid’s resistance. Wait until the fight has passed.

• Calmly explain that your child will use diapers for a bit until everyone is feeling better. Take the potty chair away and don’t talk about potty training.

• When you decide to end the reset, give your kid a heads up, like you did about starting potty training in the first place.

• For the young (under 20 months) child, you can keep the potty chair out. You may want to make the reset longer if your child appeared clueless when you tried to potty train.

• Don’t do a reset after a couple days. Don’t be afraid to do a reset; it won’t erase progress. If you have tried for weeks and things aren’t going well, a reset can offer a change that may help.

Jamie Glowacki’s tone is humorous and conversational. Reading a book on potty training may not sound fun when free time is limited, but this book is truly enjoyable and easy to read because of the style. In the book, she answers many questions and provides many more specific examples. For instance, there is information on kids who were premature or have developmental delays, what to do if you kid gets sick during potty training, etc. There is also a chapter on Elimination Communication that I didn’t include since it’s not a very common practice. I highly recommend reading the book if you are having trouble with potty training or need more information.

You can buy the book on Amazon or Bookshop.org.