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If you don’t have much time, try the Quick Look. You can also see how I apply this advice to my own parenting with my Personal Experience.

This book takes business ideas and applies them to help parents manage a family. Making decisions for elementary aged kids can feel less straightforward than babies and toddlers, and the effects can feel larger. For example, there is data about pacifiers that can help parents decide whether or use them and when to take them away. Ultimately, it’s not a decision that has far reaching effects. But the big kid question of whether to play an instrument brings even more questions (which instrument? Private classes or group classes? When do we start? What if they want to give up after a year?) and has potentially further reaching consequences. It may take some time to set up your family firm’s processes and tools, but it will help save time in the future when making decisions, both big and small. Because often, when faced with big kid decisions that affect the whole family, the process of making the decision is more important than the decision itself.

*There is an application at the end of the School, Extracurricular, Feelings, and Entertainment sections of the book. These walk you through example decisions and show how to use the Four Fs approach (explained below). If you want to see the ideas in this summary “in action,” I suggest reviewing the examples in the book. You can also review my Personal Experience to see my application of the decision making processes laid out in the book.

The Family Toolbox

1.)    Families should lay out what they value and prioritize.

• This includes an overarching goal for their family, goals for their kids (a couple, not a ton), and activities they’d like to do on weekdays and weekends. See my personal example for some ideas.

• Discuss all family members’ schedules and coordinate them.

• Clarify/make rules regarding bedtime, meals, going outside, etc.

• Delegate responsibilities to each family member.

2.)    The Four Fs: tools for larger decisions that come up once or twice a year.

• Frame the Question: What is the actual decision you need to make? Have a meeting to discuss pros/cons (including budget and logistics) and figure out what needs to be looked into.

• Fact-Find: Get evidence, look at data, talk to others.

• Final Decision: Have another meeting and decide.

• Follow up: Revisit the decision at a future date to decide if you should stick with it or change something.

3.)    Workplace Tools

• Allow technology to share the burden in both parenting and other areas of your life.

• Ex: Set a calendar reminder in mid-July to take your kid to get an instrument fitted before the next school year.

• Some tools to try include task management software, shared calendars, google docs, and other apps that are more specific to the activity.

Data

1.)    Sleep

• Sleep is very important, for school performance and health.

• Kids should take 15-20 minutes to fall asleep and not be sleepy during the day.

2.)    Childcare

• Data doesn’t give clear conclusions on whether or not its beneficial for parents to be home with a child or not.

• There is a small increase in risk of obesity for kids with two working parents, but it may be more related to what the child is doing after school.

• For this decision, it’s less about the data and more about what is financially possible and what brings more happiness to the child and parents.

3.)    Nutrition

• Data is poor for nutrition.

• Eat fruit and veggies, avoid soda and junk food.

• It helps to have kids try/taste a food repeatedly.

• Kids may eat more veggies when served with a dip/sauce.

• Serve smaller portions, serve veggies before entrée, and don’t offer alternatives if kids reject the meal.

• Try having a back up meal that’s healthy but not desirable everyday.

• If you force certain foods before dessert, it can decrease long term liking of the food.

• If you restrict a food, it may become more desirable.

• There is a strong correlation between a family meal and better school engagements, lower risk of depression and eating disorders, less alcohol use, etc. It is not causation, but it may be helpful to have some family time together, whether its meal time or something else.

4.)    Parenting

• Parents need to decide where they stand on parental involvement and a child’s independence.

• Studies show parental involvement is associated with better school performance and decreasing risk behavior in teens, among other things.

• Some studies with college students suggest that kids with highly involvement parents are less social and more likely to have worse mental health. However, these studies rely on the students self-reporting, so they could be biased depending on the parent-child relationship.

• At some point kids will have to fend for themselves, and it may be difficult to create independence in an older child if you were doing everything for them up until high school.

5.)    School

• School Choice

  • Kids in charter schools appear to have better test scores, but the effects depend on the quality of the public school alternative.

  • Looking at data, some aspects of a good school are good teachers, smaller class size, and lots of teacher interaction, feedback, and tutoring.

• Homework

  • Homework: having homework has a positive effect on school performance, with larger effects for middle school aged kids. Data doesn’t show how much homework is ideal. It also depends on if the homework is constructive and tied into what the kid is learning

  • After school tutoring has a positive impact on test scores, but you need to look at the opportunity cost; more tutoring means less time for other things.

• Reading

  • With regards to learning to read, studies show phonic based reading (sounding words out) is better than whole language reading (recognizing words).

  • Make time to read for pleasure, and allow kids to choose what they read, so they understand and enjoy it.

  • Evidence on learning apps is mixed.

  • Audiobooks seem to increase interest in reading and improve reading.

6.)    Extracurriculars

• Extracurricular activities can consume a lot of time, so look at how they affect the family’s Big Picture.

• Physical Effects

  • Sports and PE have small effects on obesity. Diet is more important than physical activity.

  • Involvement in sports does increase a kid’s fitness level, and could encourage a lasting exercise habit.

  • A third of kids get a sports-related injury during their time in school.

  • Concussions can have long term negative effects. Football has the highest rate, but soccer, boys’ wrestling and girls’ basketball have high rates, too.

  • Studies showing kids who play an instrument do better in school are mostly not randomized; of the 5 that are, only 3 show small positive effects.

• Social Effects

  • There is data showing a strong correlation between extracurriculars and socioemotional benefits like less depression and fewer risk behaviors.

  • A randomized study showed benefits too, such as less depression and social anxiety.

  • Any activity seems to be helpful, even a couple hours a week.

• College Admissions

  • The chance of kids being recruited to play a sport in college is very small.

  • Academic performance is the most important factor in college admissions.

  • Don’t worry about extracurriculars affecting college admissions until high school.

• Summer

  • There is some evidence- especially for kids with health issues or kids who feel isolated for social reasons- that camp boosts self-esteem.

  • Summer learning loss is real, but not worth worrying about. If you feel your kid does need extra help, summer school/tutoring would be beneficial, but as with everything, it comes at a cost of not doing other worthwhile things in the summer.

7.)    Feelings

• Interacting with Others

  • To have empathy, kids need to learn to recognize and understand emotions. Kids with mothers who talk about emotions more often may do better at this.

  • You can increase emotional understanding through learning. Books are a great way to do this: talk about how the characters feel.

  • Thoughtful and well-crafted anti-bullying programs may be able to help. They work better when intensive and involve firm discipline.

  • Prosocial programs are similar to anti-bullying ones, but add empathy training. They show small positive effects on socioemotional learning.

• Self Esteem

  • Bullying is harmful for kids and negatively affects self-esteem.

  • Having some friends and a happy home life can build resilience and help protect against harmful effects of bullying.

  • Cognitive behavioral therapy can help kids who have anxiety and depression due to bullying.

  • Programs that offer practical ways to recognize and manage anxiety can help kids with low self-esteem.

8.) Entertainment

• Screens: TV and Video Games

  • Studies show correlations between screen time and various negative outcomes, but that could be due to the differences in families. Also, more TV time means less time studying, exercising, etc.

  • There is no clear cut data saying if screen time is good or bad, or how much to allow. Instead, parents can look at the opportunity cost: what are their kids giving up when they use screens? Playing outside, sports, reading, developing creativity, etc.

  • It matters what kids watch. Try using Common Sense Media to pick appropriate content.

  • Violent video games may increase short term aggression but probably don’t create long term effects on violence.

  • Video games that teach skills or nurture creativity may be more beneficial.

  • Video game addiction is rare (maybe 2-10%). Boys who are disadvantaged in some way are at higher risk.

  • Screen time around bedtime leads to poorer sleep, for adults and kids.

• Social Media

  • A big part of the conversation is about limits and check-ins.

  • Social media can be harmful or beneficial; it depends on the kid, so look for warning signs and how its affecting your child.

  • One review shows most kids experience limited or no effects from social media.

Conclusion

               Parenting, especially at the elementary age, requires decisions that feel hard and consequential and involve uncertainty. Having a structure in place to work through decisions is helpful, but there will always be things that happen outside your control. However, you can give yourself the best chance for success, and feel confident that you are doing your best for your family.

I really enjoy Emily Oster’s other books and writing (she has a website called ParentData and sends out newsletters that I find helpful). She is practical, smart, straightforward, and humorous. It’s much easier to read parenting books, especially books with data, by an author that is funny and can explain things well. I often walk away with interesting and helpful data to make tweaks to my day to day.

Buy Family Firm on Amazon or Bookshop.org.